


i need a fix 'cause i'm going down

by m4jor3tt3



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - 1960s, Cults, Drug Use, First Time Blow Jobs, Hallucinogens, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, LSD, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Minor Character Death, Original Character Death(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Paranoia, Stalking, Suicide, Warnings May Change, kylo is basically Charlie Manson
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-26 23:33:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6260467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m4jor3tt3/pseuds/m4jor3tt3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors</i>
  <br/>
  <i>On his hobnail boots</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Working overtime</i>
</p><p>-</p><p>It's the summer of love in California. Brendan Hux is visiting his home in Anaheim for his nineteenth birthday when he encounters Kylo Ren, a mysterious hippie who isn't all he seems to be.</p><p>Title from Happiness is a Warm Gun by the Beatles</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _Song for this chapter: Donna Donna by Bob Dylan and Joan Baez_

  **PART ONE**

**LOST**

* * *

  _Orange County._

_Anaheim._

_August._

_1968._

The heat wave was just short of unbearable. It was natural to see nearly every window at least cracked in hopes that a breeze might wisp throughout a room. At night, the heat let up only slightly, cool breezes off the ocean giving the sweating Angelenos sweet kisses against their sun dried skin.

It was Brendan Hux’s nineteenth birthday.

He was at home, his classes on hiatus until the coming fall, though he’d rather be about anywhere else. Norma Hux, his overbearing mother practically sat on his shoulder asking him about school, if he’d met any nice girls, if he was going to bring someone home for dinner any time soon. His father, Lawrence Hux, stoic and cold, berated him at every chance he got, attempting to persuade him into giving up on his business major and go to law school (“Money’s no issue, Bren, I could even send you to Harvard,” he had said into a short glass of brandy as Hux attempted to peel himself from the sticky folding chair he’d been sitting in.) What with it being his birthday, Norma had made dinner- despite Hux’s protests that it was simply too hot to cook anything- as well as a decadent red velvet cake- Hux’s favorite. When the meal was finished, Lawrence presented him with a handful of bills, muttering something about not knowing what to get a nineteen year old college kid for his birthday; Hux took it with a quiet thank you before tucking it into the back pocket of his shorts. As the sun set, it brought with it that cool breeze Hux had been waiting for, and he tiptoed out of the house and headed toward a local beach. His parents’ house was fairly close to the shoreline, making it a short walk, one that grew cooler the closer he got to the water.

It was a bonfire kind of night, Hux had assumed as the ground faded from asphalt into warm sand, seeing flickering orange lights along the shoreline surrounded by tired looking young folks passing around booze bottles and roaches. Hux had never quite seen the appeal in drugs or alcohol- the former due to simply taste, the latter due to his father- and he kept to the outskirts of each group of people in order to get closer to the water. He found a spot a ways away from any cluster and sighed softly, sitting down in the warm sand and pulling off his shoes. He dipped his hands into the sand to steady himself and stretched his legs out in front of him, the tide licking at his feet. He shivered slightly, the cold somewhat unexpected but welcomed. He thought about what his parents must be doing. Given the time, Norma might be just finishing cleaning the kitchen, sliding the remnants of Hux’s birthday cake into the fridge, or she might be sneaking a gin and tonic. Lawrence was likely in his study, mulling over whatever court case he’d been working on while drinking his brandy or maybe smoking a cigar. The monotony that the Huxs had fallen into was something their son feared, maybe even more than death. The idea of falling into such tedium the way his parents did was a loathsome one, but though he desired change and excitement he could never force himself into it. He couldn’t live like the hippies (a word Hux often heard uttered with an air of disgust), with their guitars and marijuana and their disdain for authority, but he refused to become a pencil pushing man of the office like his father.

“Hey, red.”

Hux looked up and over his shoulder from where he’d fixated on the water. A group circled around a fire had mostly turned themselves around to look at him, their eyes drooping with the high of whatever they were on, tired smiles tugging at their lips as they leaned against each other for support. There was a decidedly empty spot, who Hux assumed belonged to whoever had attempted to get his attention.

“Over here.”

Hux blinked and turned, the same voice now at his side. He whirled his head around to see the stranger, faintly illuminated by the light of the moon and the sporadic orange glow of the bonfires. He had long dark hair and a thick shadow of stubble along his jaw and soft, lethargic brown eyes. Hux figured he must be ridiculously tall, the way his legs bent awkwardly as he sat down. His chest and large feet were both bare, but was wearing a pair of torn jean bell bottoms. His face was dotted with a smattering of freckles and larger moles. He smelled like weed. There was a joint pinched between two of his long fingers. He smiled at Hux before placing the joint between his lips. “What’s your story?” He said around the joint, smoke slipping out from between his plush lips. Hux blinked again before laughing dryly, shrugging a shoulder and pulling his knees up to his chest. “What does that even mean?”

“It means, what’s your story?” The stranger repeated, pulling the joint from his lips and holding it out to Hux. Hux held up a hand and shook his head. “I don’t smoke.” The stranger arched one thick eyebrow before returning the joint to his own mouth. “Who are you?”

“Why do you want to know?” Hux asked, wrapping his arms around his knees. He noticed how wide the stranger’s shoulders were, how broad his chest. He was wearing a plaid button down shirt over his shoulders but had it unbuttoned, lazily draped over his shoulders.

“Most folks, they come down to the surf around this hour looking for something,” the stranger explained, a strange drag in his voice. _No doubt from the drugs_ , Hux thought. “It’s rare someone comes to just admire the scenery.”

“I used to live around here,” Hux says briefly, resting his chin on top of his folded arms, eyes half lidded as he looked out over the water. “I didn’t plan on staying much longer. Thought it would be quieter this late at night.”

“Thought it would be quieter?” The stranger laughed. The sound had a lazy, musical kind of quality to it. Effortless. “Beach hasn’t been quiet in a while, I’d guess. You must’ve been gone for a long while.”

“You could say that.”

“What were you out doing?”

“School.”

“ _Oh_ ,” the stranger said slowly, nodding and taking another pull off the joint. He looked over his shoulder at the group around the fire, giving them a seemingly knowing smile. Some of them started to laugh. Hux felt his face heat up slightly. “You’re one of _those_.”

“Those?” Hux asked, defensively pulling his knees closer to himself. “What do you mean?”

“A scholar,” the stranger said. The way he said it was eerily similar to the way Lawrence Hux said, _hippy_. “A litterateur. A schoolchild.”

“Yes, and?” Hux said, ready to get to his feet and make his way back home.

“See, you go to your fancy classes with your fancy professors who think they know, but here’s the thing,” and the stranger leaned forward and dropped his voice as though he was telling Hux some kind of secret. “They don’t know _shit_.”

Hux let out a quiet sigh. The guy was tripping, he had to be, else he wouldn’t be saying such nonsense. But now Hux was intrigued. It wasn’t like he had anything better to be doing. “Alright,” he said, shaking his head slightly. “And I suppose you know something I don’t, right?”

“Oh, no. Not me,” the stranger quickly corrected, dragging on the joint before getting to his feet. “But Snoke does.”

“And who is Snoke?” Hux asked, looking up at the stranger. He towered over him like a skyscraper, his height only accentuated from his spot on the ground. The stranger tossed his head in the direction of the bonfire. “Come sit with us a minute and I’ll tell you.”

Hux paused, briefly weighing his options. He could decline and head home- his parents were surely to be asleep by now, Hux could grab another slice of cake and go to bed himself. He could decline and simply leave, find another place close to home to ride out the rest of the night. Or…

“Fine, I’ll bite,” Hux finally said after a moment and getting to his feet. The stranger smiled at him- his teeth were crooked. He held out the joint to him once again. “Come on, now, red,” he said, voice husky and low. “You got to see to believe.”

Hux blushed softly, hesitating before taking the joint carefully. He followed the stranger to the bonfire as he took a pull off the joint, his throat burning and his vision blurring for a short moment, coughing out a cloud of smoke. He heard someone at the make a gentle sound, followed by a musing “How sweet.” Hux looked around the circle as he sat down beside the stranger. It was a mixed bag of faces- some dark, some light; some round, some gaunt; all blissed by drugs, alcohol, and heat from the day. His eyes did find briefly a girl, likely only a few years his senior, with light blond hair cropped short and close to her head. Her eyes were sharp and grey, she didn't look like she had smoked at all that evening. He made eye contact with her shortly before he quickly looked away and up at the stranger. He went to hand the joint back, however the stranger stopped him with one huge hand, curling his fingers around Hux’s wrist and guiding the joint back up to his mouth. “You aren't there yet,” he whispered, fingertips gently trading over Hux’s jaw briefly. “Don't worry, we've got plenty.” Hux swallowed and nodded, trying the joint again and suppressing his cough this time.

“These are my Knights,” the stranger said, gesturing to the circle briefly. A young man with a shock of sandy blond hair who was sitting on the opposite side of him rested his head on his shoulder, eyes glazed. “Kylo Ren is a _genius_ ,” he said, his gaze finding Hux's. “He brought us all together. He makes us strong.”

“Snoke brought us together,” the stranger- Kylo Ren, Hux presumed- corrected, his hand snaking around to grab at the boy’s chin. He tilted his head up, smiling down at him before capturing his mouth in a slow, lazy kiss. Hux blushed, quickly gathering his knees close to his chest. He felt a hand against his arm, light fingers trailing over the warm, freckled skin. “Relax,” a lilting voice purred against his ear; he turned his head slightly and saw a girl with a face younger than his, bright blue eyes and long chestnut hair which framed her thin pale face. “Snoke gifted Kylo with the Force. He’s been sent to us to share that power with the world.”

“Force?” Hux asked, looking over at Kylo once again, who'd pulled away from the sandy haired boy in favor of accepting a joint from another member of the group. Hux watched likely too intently as his mouth wrapped around the end of the joint, the tip of the liaison's finger disappearing into his mouth briefly before he sat back down, relaxing as smoke filled him. “The _Force_ ,” he drawled, leaning back casually on one hand. “Is everywhere, y’see. Snoke didn't gift me with it per say. It's an energy field that surrounds all living things. Surrounds us…” He turned his head finally to lock eyes with Hux. “Penetrates us…”

Hux quickly took a drag, not having time to stop himself from coughing slightly, shoulders bouncing.

“It binds the galaxy together,” Kylo continued, a small, private smile gracing his features. The brighter light from being closer to the fire made Hux notice a deep scar running along the bias of Kylo’s face, from his forehead, over the bridge of his nose, stopping at his jaw. The skin was soft pink and glinted in the flickering light.

“Snoke is strong with the force,” Kylo said, turning to face the fire. Hux's eyes never left him. “He came to me in a vision. Telling me that I was destined for greatness. But the only way to achieve that greatness was to allow Snoke to embed the force in my soul, the deepest parts of me.”

“How did he do that?” Hux said, his voice unintentionally quiet.

“I let him use me,” Kylo explained further. “I let him into my body, my being, and he helped me see the true power of darkness.”

“Kylo committed one of the ultimate acts of evil to succumb to the Dark Side,” one of the so-called Knights said. His hair was about the same length as Kylo’s, only it was a lighter shade, and he had a much thicker beard. “He killed his own father.”

Hux jumped, nearly burning himself with the lit end of the joint. “You-”

“See, Monk is making it seem like I… like I broke the law. I didn't murder anyone,” Kylo said, shooting a sharp look the knight he called Monk. “It's true, my father is dead. I didn't kill him. Merely… showed him the way.”

From the corner of his eye, Hux saw the grey eyed girl roll her eyes.

“Snoke helped me enlighten my father, along with everyone you see here,” Kylo finished, taking a short drag before passing it to the boy sitting beside him, the one he’d kissed. “He can help you, too, red.”

Hux blinked, distracting himself with the joint in his own hand. The burn in his throat was slowly diminishing with each drag. He exhaled, rubbing at his eye with the heel of his hand. “I don't know if I'm up for something like that,” he muttered, shaking his head. The response was met with light laughter and sleepy sighs. Kylo chuckled, draping his arm loosely around Hux's shoulders. The press of sweat slick skin to his own wasn't necessarily unpleasant, but Hux still felt the urge to shrug him away. “Think about it, red,” he said softly, lips quirked up in a devilish smirk. “I promise it'll be worth it in the end.”

Suddenly his expression shifted into something Hux couldn't quite decipher. “Besides,” he said, voice even lower now. “If you don't come with us now, you'll come with us later. They always end up coming back.”

Hux swallowed quickly, sliding away from Kylo’s grip and getting to his feet. “I should be heading home.” He took another brief drag off the joint before tossing it blindly downward- the brown haired girl picked it up quickly and stuck it between her thick lips. Kylo laughed, a deep sweet sound from deep in his chest. “Oh, I’ll be seeing you, schoolchild,” Kylo sang, pushing a hand through his long hair as the brown haired girl laid down with her head in his lap. “You can count on that!”

Hux started to make his way around the group when he was stopped briefly as a hand gripped his wrist. He looked down and saw the grey eyed girl staring up at him intensely. She pulled him down so they were eye level, then leaned over, hot breath ghosting over his ear. She whispered, “Be careful, he'll follow you,” and then let him go. Hux stammered briefly before turning to briskly walk toward the edge of the beach, the sound of the group’s laughter still ringing in his ears.

He got home fairly quickly, having felt somewhat paranoid that the group might've followed him and found himself running. He slumped against the door as he stepped inside; his folks had turned off the air conditioning, making the air heavy and hot, but there had to be a window open somewhere, as a slight cool was making its way through the room. He ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes for a moment.

“Brendan?”

Hux jumped slightly, a hand going to clutch his chest. It was Norma- for whatever reason Hux thought it might've been Kylo- her green sundress from earlier replaced with a dressing gown. She was peering around the door leading into the kitchen, a glass of water in her hand. “When did you get home?”

Hux sighed, hand dropping to his side. “Mom, you scared me,” he breathed, shaking his head before responding. “Just now. I was down at the beach.”

“Oh, that's nice,” Norma said gently, coming out of the kitchen and taking a sip of water. “Did you have a good birthday, honey?”

 _Good is one word for it._ “It was nice,” Hux agreed, throat feeling tight. Norma smiled kindly at him and walked up to him to pull him into a tight hug. “You should come home more often, honey, we miss you.”

Hux returned the hug, nodding awkwardly. “We’ll see.”

Norma hummed softly then pulled away, her free hand on Hux’s elbow while the other still clutched the glass. “You smell different,” she inquired, tipping her head slightly to the left. Hux swallowed, shrugging. “There were… bonfires down at the beach,” he explained, hoping she wouldn't see through the lie. “The smoke must've just. Stuck.” Norma nodded again, patting him on the cheek before her eyes fell to the floor. She smiled, a light laugh escaping her. “You must be tired, Brendan,” she said into her glass. “You walked all the way down there with no shoes.”

Hux’s brow lowered, confused. He looked down at his own feet, seeing them bare, sand sticking to his skin lightly. He suddenly became aware of the dull pain in the soles of his feet, no doubt from running on the asphalt. His shoulders tensed; his mother kissed him on the cheek then headed down the hall.

He left his shoes on the beach.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected visitor brings Brendan Hux a gift.
> 
> _Song for this chapter: Rainbows All Over Your Blues - John Sebastian_

Temperatures were still ridiculously high even three days later. The streets were fairly empty aside from the few children out getting ice cream with their parents or those heading down to the surf in Jeeps with no doors or tops. Almost every shop had its doors wide open as well as their windows. 

Brendan Hux purchased his first pack of cigarettes that afternoon.

The burn was familiar, but the taste was drastically different from the pot he had been offered on the beach three days ago. His cough was harsh but brief and he shook his head, reclining on a park bench close to the gas station he’d bought the cigarettes from, but far from the beach.

Part of him told him to go back.

He fought the urge, still feeling fearful of that strange group of people he’d encountered. But the image of tired brown eyes and a crooked smile seemed burned into his memory. He found himself longing to see them again, but another smaller part of him knew that going back would be a mistake.

He finished his cigarette, tossing it to the ground carelessly and grinding the embers out with the heel of his foot. He had left his more comfortable and lighter shoes on the beach in his haste to get home last night and had to wear a pair of dress shoes he’d brought with him in case his folks wanted to go out to dinner. If he’d forgone socks, he’d be scratching at angry red blisters for the rest of the day, and his feet felt much too hot.

He stood up from the bench and started down the promenade. 

From the sun’s position in the sky and the many storefronts that had since closed their doors, Hux assumed it to be early evening. A group of young boys, no older than thirteen he assumed, rolled past him on skateboards, holding melting popsicles and laughing to each other. For a moment, he briefly thought about himself at that age- carefree, playful. There was no use dwelling on those memories, however. He kept walking.

The closer he got to his street and his parents’ house, the closer he got to the beach. It was still somewhat bright out, but Hux saw the faint dancing of bonfires beginning to pop up along the shoreline. His chest tightened. His hand went to his pocket and he produced the package of cigarettes and the cheap lighter he’d bought. He tapped the base of the pack against his wrist before pulling out a single cigarette, sticking it into his mouth. He flicked the lighter to life, allowing the flame to catch onto the end of the cigarette before taking a long drag. Once again, he coughed, but the burn was nearly gone by this point; the cough was softer.

He took a sharp turn to make his way toward his street. Soon, he reminded himself, his back would be to the beach and he wouldn’t be trapped remembering the events of three days ago, and in a few days he would be on a bus back to Pasadena and away from his family, from Anaheim, from the mysterious Kylo Ren. As he trailed up the sidewalk, a rusted burgundy Ford van rolled lazily past him. The windows inside were covered with lacy faded cream curtains, and the windshield bore a dark tint. He squinted, trying to catch sight of the driver, but found the attempt futile and turned his attention back to his walking feet. He pulled the cigarette from his lips, exhaling toward the ground. 

The van continued up the road, disappeared around a corner. 

When Hux caught sight of the house, he dropped the spent cigarette to the ground and stomped it out. While both Lawrence and Norma smoked and they would have no problem with their son smoking, he figured his mother was already suspicious enough of his activities outside the house considering their encounter when Hux returned from the beach late the other night smelling of smoke and weed with no shoes (although this was never proven by Hux, he had a nasty habit of assuming.) He walked inside, the door was unlocked, toed off his shoes and socks. He balled up the socks in his hand and quietly made his way into the kitchen. The house was quiet aside from the whir of a vacuum cleaner. The tile floor was cool and refreshing beneath his feet. “Brendan?” A voice called from the living room. His mother. “Is that you?”

“Yes, mom,” he called back, tucking the socks into his back pocket as he made his way over to the fridge, tugging it open. A bowl of pale noodles covered with plastic wrap sat just behind the door, in front of a row of beer bottles, a carton of milk, and an unopened loaf of bread. Hux grimaced- his parents must’ve picked up a habit of going out for dinner in the time he’d been away from home- and reluctantly grabbed the bowl. “Where’ve you been, honey?” His mother called again, the sound of the vacuum disappearing.

“Just went for a walk,” Hux said, peeling away the plastic wrap and tossing it into the garbage bin beside the fridge. He opened the microwave, lazily slid the bowl inside before finding himself a glass and filling it with tap water. 

“Did you happen to see a red van on your way back?”

Hux blinked, swallowing a mouthful from his glass. “Um… yeah, why?”

“Oh, no reason,” Norma said, making her way into the kitchen, lugging the vacuum behind her. “I saw it a few times earlier. It seemed like it was doing laps around the block.”

Hux tensed slightly.

“It’s probably nothing, all cars look the same to me, it was probably a few different cars.”

“You didn’t see a driver, did you?”

Norma thought for a moment and shook her head. “I don’t think so, no. Why do you ask?”

The microwave beeped.

“No reason,” Hux mumbled, taking another drink before turning to shut off the microwave. He suddenly wasn’t hungry. He set his empty glass in the sink and passed his mother to head toward the stairs, ignoring her question about whatever was in the microwave. He quickly found his room, shutting the door behind him and leaning against it.  _ No _ , he thought, shaking his head and digging the heels of his hands.  _ It couldn’t be. You’re scaring yourself. _ Hux let out a short sigh, shaking his head and going to his desk. The contents of his school bag were spilled out over the top, a myriad of notebooks, two relatively small textbooks, a handful of pens. He had no work to do, and yet he found himself thumbing through his notes, flipping to the last section of reading he’d been assigned. He rested his cheek in his palm. The window above his desk was open, but there was no wind, causing the room to be weighed down with late afternoon heat. He soon found himself half asleep in his seat, drool collecting at the corner of his mouth. He blinked quickly and got to his feet, stretching his arms above his head and listening to the joints in his shoulders popped. He strode over to the other side of the room, past the window, and fell on top of his bed. 

He didn't notice the red van roll past the house once again. 

He awoke to the sound of his mother’s voice floating up the stairs. “Brendan? Could you come down here?” Hux scrubbed his hands over his face as he rolled over onto his back, yawning. 

“There's a nice young lady asking for you, Brendan,” Norma called again, voice sounding a bit closer. “Don't keep her waiting!”

Hux arched an inquisitive eyebrow, sitting up and pushing himself out of bed. He ran a hand through his hair, acutely aware of what a mess he must look, and slowly padded across the room and out the door. 

Norma was at the base of the stairs, an apron tied around her waist and her light red hair tied up loosely behind her head. “Why haven't you talked about this girl?” She whispered at him, smiling before reaching up to smooth down a particularly unruly piece of his hair. “She seems nice.”

_ Because I don't know any girls _ , Hux thought briefly, rubbing his eye again. “She's in the parlor. Very pretty, though she doesn't want to take off that hat of hers…” Hux waved her off and made his way into the room in question. 

Sitting at the head of the table was a girl with a sharp face, short blond hair cropped close to her head, though it was mostly hidden by a large black sunhat. She was wearing a massive floral scarf over her shoulders and a loose fitting black dress, fussing with a pair of huge round sunglasses. In front of her on the table was a pair of soft brown loafers. Hux's blood ran cold. 

The shoes were his that he left on the beach. The girl’s eyes were the gray ones belonging to the girl by the bonfire from that night. 

“What are you doing here?” Hux asked, a quiet urgency in his voice as he stepped forward toward her. She finally looked up at him, and Hux immediately recognized her eyes- gray and cold, only now her eyelashes were coated with mascara. She sighed, shoulders slumping as she stood up. “I won't be long,” she said. Her voice was deeper than he’d expected. When she'd whispered to him he didn't quite hear the full extent of her tone, now with her speaking at full volume he could hear her richness, only slightly hoarse from what Hux assumed to be smoking. She sounded like she could be a blues singer. She smoothed out the front of her dress and folded her arms lazily. “So,” she continued. “Brendan, huh?”

Hux was speechless for a moment. “I…” he shook his head, unsure of how to hold himself. “How did you find out where-”

“Kylo Ren,” she supplied, shaking her head. There was no fondness or softness to her gesture or her tone. She sounded tired, disgusted even. “He's been having us follow you around. He  _ claims _ it's so he could give your shoes back, but I feel like you probably know that he has ulterior motives.”

The name made his shoulders tighten. “Maybe I do know,” he said. “But perhaps you could enlighten me anyway?”

She groaned, rubbing at her face. “Don't say ‘enlighten’ like that- you don't know it, but you sound like him,” she sighed, shaking her head for a moment before dropping her hands to her sides. “I don't know exactly what he's planning, but I know that he wants you. You're the first person I know of that he wanted before he even spoke to you.”

“What do you mean by want?”

“Please, Brendan, I think you know what I mean by  _ want _ .”

Hux blushed softly. “Well, why me, then? I’m nothing special.”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I agree,” the girl said, waving a hand. “But none of us were special. Look at me. I mean… I don’t want to bore you with the sad details but the only reason I listen to him is because he has the  _ best _ pot.”

Hux made a face, wrinkling his nose slightly. The girl sighed and took a step closer to him, placing her hands on his arms. “Listen, I know that me showing up out of the blue like this and saying that some freak from the beach sent me here is unnerving. But if you do  _ anything _ useful in your life, let it be that you do not follow him.”

“Who said I was going to?”

The girl dropped her hands from his arms, looking up at him somewhat sadly. “You know what? You should think about doing impressions for a living.” 

Hux raised an eyebrow.

“First you sounded like him. Now you sound like me.”

The girl slid her sunglasses onto her face, nodding toward the shoes on the table. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

“I-”

But before he could finish, she had already started out of the parlor and down the hall. “Wait!” Hux said, raising his voice and quickly making his way after her. Norma was shaking her hand politely near the front door. “Oh, Brendan,” Norma said, placing her hands on her hips and looking over at him briefly before looking back up at the girl. “He didn’t scare you off, did he, sweetheart?”

“No, he didn’t,” the girl said, looking up at Hux and meeting his eyes. “Maybe I scared him off, though.” 

Hux tensed. 

The girl looked back at Norma, giving her a small smile. “You have a lovely home,” she mumbled, throwing one last look in Hux’s direction before opening the door and stepping outside.

“She seems sweet,” Norma said as the door slowly swung shut. “Didn’t catch her name, though. What is it, Brendan?”

Hux didn’t respond, but pushed past his mother and out the door. The girl was already on the sidewalk heading toward the beach. “Wait!” He said again, quickly walking after her. She hesitantly stopped, then turned. Both the glasses and her hat made her look much smaller than she was. “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll go back home and stop talking to me.”

“What’s your name?”

The girl breathed out a laugh, shaking her head as she went to turn around. 

“You don’t need to know that.”

And then she was walking again, arms folded tightly over herself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One night can change everything. 
> 
> _Songs for this chapter: Free Bird - Lynyrd Skynyrd, Magic Carpet Ride - Steppenwolf, Freedom - Richie Havens_

The date inched nearer and nearer to the one printed on Hux’s bus ticket back to Pasadena. It also seemed that with each passing day, the temperature seemed to climb higher and higher. With the heat unrelenting as it was, Hux found himself going outside less and less, enjoying the comfort of air conditioning, ice water, and the quiet of his parents’ house.

He also found that sometimes the house seemed like the safest place to be.

The gray-eyed girl had said that Kylo Ren had been following him. They knew where the house was, but they didn’t know when he was going to physically be there (he hoped), nor did they know when he was going to be gone (he figured.) If he never left the house, would they figure he was still in there? Or would they think that he left but they just didn’t catch him? Building on that, would they harass him at all, or was Hux just being paranoid, thinking that a group of strangers he knew nothing about was after him for no apparent reason.

What the girl had told him was still rattling around his head. 

“ _ I think you know what I mean by  _ want.” 

Remembering that particular phrase got him thinking about his first impression of Kylo Ren- a mysterious older man whose monstrous height was simultaneously daunting and intriguing, who smelled of pot and bonfire smoke, whose voice sounded dreamlike and the words he spoke even more so. He thought about his eyes, tired and deep brown, and how they seemed to peer into him, past the facade he put up for his family and his peers at school and at the little boy he wanted to be different and longed for excitement. He thought about the way his arm fell over his shoulders, heavy and imposing, pulling him close. He wondered if his chest- considering it had been bare that night- was as flushed as his arm, and if Hux were to be pulled into it, would that same warmth fill him and would the smell of him overwhelm his senses. 

The constant thinking brought about anxiety, which with it brought fear. Hux was tense, more than usual. When his parents were out of the house, he paced throughout the living room and parlor, hardly eating. When his parents were home, he confined himself to the upper level of the house, wringing his wrists. He had gone several days without eating a substantial meal, and had gone through the entire pack of cigarettes he’d purchased the day the gray-eyed girl came to return his shoes and deliver that vague warning. He did all of his smoking indoors, stuffing a towel beneath his door to blot out the smell, and sitting just beside the window so he could stretch an arm out to ash. Norma seemed concerned, knocking on the door almost constantly, reminding him when dinner would be finished and that she was making his favorite (it never was, he figured she was just trying to coax him out of the room.)

When the cigarettes were gone, Hux shut his window and kept it shut. The room quickly became stifling, but Hux couldn’t bring himself to leave the room, let alone open the window again. He was pacing again, raking his hands through his hair. After a handful of moments, he removed his shirt, haphazardly throwing it toward the laundry basket. He dug his nails into his palms, deep crescents imprinted in the soft flesh there. He scratched idly at his wrists and arms, angry red marks a hot contrast against his lightly freckled skin. He suddenly became aware of a minor sunburn against the back of his neck, and one hand went to pick at the lightly peeling skin. 

The sun finally set, and the room steadily darkened. Hux made no motion to hit the light switch, lest he give away his location to any prying eyes outside. The back of his neck was free of dry skin, and he was met with the bitter sting of the old sunburn. He wound his arms around himself, leaning against the wall and slowly sliding to the floor. There was a knock at his door and he nearly had a heart attack. “Brendan?” Norma’s voice said, muffled through the door. “We saved you a plate.”

“Not hungry,” Hux called back, probably louder than necessary. 

Norma sighed. Heavy footfalls approached, and then Lawrence Hux’s voice said, “Brendan, you’re worrying your mother.”

“Sorry,” Hux said, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes.

There was a brief silence, then his father’s recognizable footsteps down the stairs. Another silence, and then his mother sighed again, following her husband. 

At least three more hours passed. It was well into the evening now- his parents both had gone upstairs and, presumably, went to bed. Hux finally gathered enough strength to pull the door open and head downstairs. His stomach ached with hunger, but he felt if he ate he would empty his stomach directly after. He scratched at his sunburn, the brief sting of pain grounding him momentarily as he traveled through the living room, keeping to the shadows and away from the windows. His vision blurred for a moment- although all he’d been sleeping a great amount, he still seemed to be exhausted- and in the momentary blindness and bumped into something. He rubbed his eyes, refocusing them, and realized he’d ran into his father’s liquor cabinet.

Without thinking, he pulled back the doors and retrieved a half empty bottle of brandy.

The drink was sweet and had a somewhat floral quality to it, however the underlying alcohol pushed through any sweet tastes, burning his tongue and throat. He coughed a moment, although the fit only lasted a moment. After he recovered, he tossed back another swig.

There was at least enough for one snifter- his father wouldn’t be suspicious about where his brandy went- and Hux plugged up the bottle and stuck it back into the cabinet. He felt woozy, the lack of food in his stomach causing the liquor to work faster, and he stumbled backward slightly. Only for a moment, though, and then he braced himself on the open door of the cabinet. His eyes fell on a clear bottle, which he assumed was purchased by or for Norma, and he took it upon himself to unscrew the top and take a short drink from it. He immediately coughed up a mouthful of the stuff, realizing it must’ve been vodka, sputtering and dribbling saliva and booze down himself. 

Through the bay window at the front of the house as well as the blur of drunkenness in his eyes, Hux saw the golden glow of headlights. The dark hid the rest of the car; Hux tilted his head and stumbled closer to the window. The headlights extinguished as Hux reached the window, pressing his fingertips to the glass. A figure emerged from the car, but Hux still couldn’t quite make out who it was.

There was a knock at the door, and Hux answered.

“Hey, red.”

Hux stumbled against the door. His stomach lurched. He had to be seeing things. Kylo Ren was leaning against the door jamb, propping himself up on one elbow. He seemed to be wearing almost the same thing he’d been wearing on the beach all those nights ago, only now there were worn brown sandals on his large feet. There was a long beaded necklace draped around his neck, falling just above his navel, and another smaller set of beads around his right wrist. There was a tie-dyed bandana tied around his head. His eyes seemed a touch brighter than they had that first night- maybe he hadn’t been smoking. 

“What are you doing here?” Hux slurred. Kylo arched an eyebrow at his drunken speech, and a sly smile tugged at the corner of his plush mouth. “You been drinking, schoolchild?” He asked, tilting his head coyly. Hux leaned heavily into the door, winding an arm around his midsection. “You gotta get outta here,” he muttered, shaking his head. “My dad’ll flip if he-” He hiccuped. “If he sees you.”

Kylo nodded, seeming to understand, but to Hux’s dismay, he pushed his way into the house, his hands sliding into the pockets of his jeans. “Daddy doesn’t like the free thinkers, does he?” He said rather loudly, turning on his heel as he walked slowly backwards through the living room. Hux left the door open, quickly turning to walk toward Kylo and stop him, but found himself stumbling forward into him. “Please,” he mumbled, gagging softly. Kylo’s big arms secured around his back, his hands splaying out over his skin. “Just go.”

“Baby, you need to eat,” Kylo chuckled, fingers traveling over each bump of his spine. “You’re all skin and bone.”

“He’ll hear you-”

“Let’s go get something to eat,” Kylo said, turning Hux around and placing his hands on his shoulders, massaging them gently. “You’ll waste away if we don’t get something in you soon.”

A light turned on upstairs. Hux quickly turned around, beating feebly against Kylo’s chest. “I’m not-” Another hiccup. “I’m not going anywhere.  _ You’re _ leaving.”

“Honey, I  _ told _ you, I’d be seeing you. They always come with me.”

“Well, I’m not!”

As the stairs began to creak, Kylo’s playful smirk disappeared into an expression of dull anger. He glanced over at the stairs briefly, then back to Hux. “Come on, red,” he urged quietly, grabbing his arms a little too tightly. “We’ll just run to a diner and get something to eat. You’ll be back in an hour.” Hux’s hands stilled against his chest, fingers stretching out over his skin. The beads rolled over his knuckles. “Promise?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

The footsteps grew closer. Hux bit his lip then nodded slightly. Kylo’s grin returned and he looped an arm around Hux’s waist, leading him quickly out of the house. He slammed the door behind him, the side door of the van sliding open. Through the dizziness Hux saw the brown-haired girl who’d told him to relax, the boy who Kylo had kissed at the bonfire, the girl with gray eyes. She, in particular, looked very sad, running a hand through her short hair and turning her gaze away. The brown-haired grinned, stretching her arms out toward Hux. The arm around him disappeared as Kylo went around the van and climbed into the driver’s side. Hux took a few fumbling steps toward the car, glancing over his shoulder at the house as the front door swung open again. It was Lawrence, dressed in sleeping clothes, his reading glasses perched on the edge of his nose. “Brendan?” He yelled over the sound of the van starting up. Hux took another step backward toward the car. He felt a gentle hand on the small of his back, another on his wrist. “Where are you going, son?”

“I’ll be back later,” Hux said, words slurring together as he fell back into the van, the young people around him quickly gathering him inside. The door slid shut, and suddenly the car was pulling all too fast out of the driveway. Hux went pale, eyes rolling up. He heard a voice, couldn’t recognize who it belonged to. It sounded far away. 

He vomited into his lap, then fell back against the back of the front seat, eyes slipping shut.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Norma and Lawrence Hux’s son had been missing for three weeks. His room smelt of stale cigarettes.
> 
> _Songs for this chapter: Dream a Little Dream of Me - The Mamas and the Papas, Get Together - The Youngbloods, All You Need Is Love - The Beatles_

**PART TWO**

**MISSING**

* * *

_ Orange County. _

_ Anaheim. _

_ September. _

_ 1968. _

The summer air had faded and cooled, bringing with it yellow tinted leaves and cloudy skies. Windows were being closed to keep out the rapidly chilling winds. In a quiet house close to the shoreline, a woman with graying red hair hung up the house’s telephone for the third time, a hand crossing her chest with melancholy. “The Dean said he hasn’t shown up to any classes yet,” she said, voice dry. Her husband sighed, swirling the contents of his snifter briefly before setting it down on a coaster, then getting out of his arm chair and approaching her in the kitchen. He put a comforting arm around her shoulders and she turned herself into his chest. “He’ll turn up, Norma.”

Norma and Lawrence Hux’s son had been missing for three weeks. His room smelt of stale cigarettes.

_ Los Angeles County. _

_ Los Angeles. _

Kylo Ren had five Knights. Brendan Hux knew none of their real names.

The first was referred to as Heavy. He was taller than Kylo by a handful of inches, and had short curly blond hair. He looked like he might’ve played sports in high school- he had very large arms, and every t-shirt he wore seemed to be a size too small. He said very little.

The second was Armory. He was around the same height as Heavy, but he was much leaner. He carried a revolver at all times. Hux was fairly certain he kept a knife in one of his leather cowboy boots.

The third was Rogue. Rogue was the girl with chestnut hair and tired eyes. When she was high, she was lucid and smooth. When she wasn’t, she was jittery, all shaking limbs and wild eyes. It was rare to see her sober.

The fourth was Sniper. He was the boy Kylo had kissed the night Hux first met them. He was just a hair shorter than Hux, and much thinner. He was often attached to Kylo’s side, wrapped around one of his arms and pressing soft kisses to his shoulder and the crook of his neck. Whenever Hux saw them together he felt a tightening in his chest he couldn’t quite explain.

The final was Monk. Monk was the one who had attempted to explain to Hux that Kylo had killed his father in order to let Snoke adorn him with the power of the Dark side. He looked the same as when Hux had first met him- long sandy hair. Thick beard. Droopy eyes. Like Heavy, he didn’t say much. Hux noticed he now had a black eye and a scar on his lip.

One member of the group was not considered a Knight- the gray-eyed girl. Hux had learned that Kylo called her Phasma. They had been very close friends before Kylo founded the Knights, having gone to school together as kids. Kylo said that the first time he’d dropped acid he’d done it with Phasma, and during the trip he saw Phasma’s spirit leave her body “to find Snoke,” and the first thing he had said when he came to was “Phasma.” The nickname just stuck. Hux still hadn’t found out her real name. He didn’t know Kylo’s real name either, or if Kylo was  _ actually _ his name. Hux wasn’t quite sure what to believe. He was actually one of the only members of the group without a real nickname- the night he’d left with them, although it was mostly a blur to him, most of them had heard Lawrence shout his name, and they often referred to him as such or variations thereof (“Bren” was often how Rogue referred to him, while the others usually called him “red.”) While the nickname “red” had stuck with Kylo as well, he’d taken to calling him pet names like “baby” or “honey,” and every time he used one of those names that same tight feeling came to Hux’s chest.

He hardly remembered the night they left, having slept off his hangover in the back of Kylo’s van. He’d slept for nearly forty-eight hours, and when he came to he had been concerned about where they were, what he was still doing with them. Kylo had reassured him that Hux had agreed to staying with the group for a while, that he’d called his folks from a payphone when he woke at one point from his stupor. Though part of him didn’t trust what Kylo had said, the rest of him felt relaxed and safe with him (mostly because as he told him what Hux couldn’t remember he’d been sitting behind him on a beach gently massaging his shoulders, speaking close to his ear, warm breath ghosting over his skin.)

They had taken refuge in a cheap motel on the shore of a local beach. The eight of them were all crammed into one bedroom: three Knights in one bed, the other two and Phasma on the pullout couch, leaving Kylo and Hux in a small recliner at the corner of the room. Hux was small enough so both of them could fit in the chair, but he still found himself lying almost on top of Kylo in order to be comfortable. Not that he nor Kylo were complaining- Kylo’s arms always wrapped warmly around Hux, pulling him close as Hux buried into his chest. 

When the room grew cramped and smoky from likely too many lit joints, Hux decided he would step out to get some fresh air and buy himself another pack of cigarettes. Kylo had stopped him briefly, a hand tightly curled around his upper arm. “Baby, I don’t want you going alone,” he mumbled, reaching up to carefully trail his fingers over Hux’s cheek. Hux blushed, turning his head slightly but not pulling away. “I can handle myself, I promise.”

“I know you can, honey,” Kylo said, taking Hux’s chin between two fingers and tilting his face towards his own. “I would just feel better if someone went along with you.”

Hux noticed a second pair of arms wrap around Kylo’s waist- Sniper. Kylo turned his head to look over at him briefly before letting out a soft sigh, tired eyes scanning the room. “I think Phasma could do with a breath of fresh air,” he said. Hux looked around Kylo’s shoulder, seeing Phasma curled up in the recliner he and Kylo usually slept in, an empty bottle of beer at her fingertips. “Surely she could… get us some more drinks.” Phasma blinked, rubbing at her eye with the back of her hand, smearing her dark eye makeup slightly. She stood up from the chair, grabbing her hat from the top of the dresser and gesturing to the door. A smile came to Kylo’s face and he turned back to Hux, cupping his cheek briefly and tilting his head. “Hurry back.” 

Hux couldn’t help but smile softly at him. Phasma grasped the back of his shirt and tugged him to the door.

The sun was low but still bright. Phasma gently placed her hat onto her head, folding her arms as she headed through the parking lot and toward the sidewalk. Hux quickly followed, swallowing a deep and cleansing breath. He was at least a step behind her, and the two of them walked in silence. Hux swallowed after a moment, looking up to catch the slight irked expression that was drawn across her face. He bit his lip softly.

“Do you not like me?” He blurted out, crossing his own arms as he fell into step with her. She laughed dryly, arms falling to her sides. “ _ That’s _ what you’re worried about? If I  _ like you _ or not?”

Hux blushed. “I just… you never want to talk to me or even look at me, and I-”

“Brendan, stop,” Phasma said, turning to face Hux and halting. Hux stopped in front of her, shoulders tight. She grabbed onto his shoulders and forced his shoulders down, gently relaxing them with her thumbs. Hux took a slow breath, closing his eyes for a moment as Phasma began to speak again. “I have nothing against you,” she said, hands falling away from his shoulders. “I just wish you hadn’t come with us.”

“Why?”

Phasma shrugged, crossing her arms. “Why do you think? You had a life. You were… going to school, your parents were supportive of you. And you let Kylo Ren sweep you away from all of that.”

Hux was quiet, he had no idea what to say. Phasma brushed a stray strand of hair from her face. “It’s none of my business. You’re an adult, you made a choice. I just…” She sighed. “I don’t know. You’re so young. Seeing you run with a crowd like this… it makes me a little sad.” She turned slowly and started down the sidewalk again. Hux followed suit, the two of them quiet again. Hux’s hands were in the pockets of a pair of borrowed bell bottoms from Sniper, watching his feet. “Can I ask you something?” He asked as they found the closest convenience store. Phasma hummed in response as she made her way inside, the sharp sting of air conditioning greeting them. 

“What’s your real name?”

Phasma was quiet again as she turned down the liquor aisle, finding a case of beer and tucking it beneath her arm. She cleared her throat and looked up at him, a sad smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. “It’s… it’s Gwen,” she said, voice quiet.

They were in and out of the convenience store fairly quickly, Hux tearing open his pack of cigarettes as soon as they stepped outside. He passed a cigarette to Phasma, which she took with a rare and private smile. They finished off their cigarettes as they approached their motel room again. “Hey, do me a favor,” Phasma said, placing her hand gently on top of Hux’s and stopping him from opening the door just yet. Hux looked up and met her eyes, which had a kind of warmth to them in the early evening light. “Don’t… tell Kylo anything we talked about.”

Hux tilted his head inquisitively.

“I mean… we didn’t talk about much but I did say I wish you’d never come along with us and… I just know that he’ll get upset with me if he finds out I said that.”

Hux pursed his lips a moment before nodding gently. “It’ll stay between you and me.”

Phasma nodded briefly, pulling her hand away from Hux’s and stepping behind him as he opened the door.

The moment the door opened, both Hux and Phasma were pulled in by separate sets of hands. “Bren, baby,” said a voice- Hux couldn’t completely tell who it was, the lights were out and the room was nearly filled with smoke. “You have  _ got _ to take trip with us. You’ll  _ love _ it.” After another moment Hux recognized the voice as Rogue, and squinting in the darkness he could make out the shape of her round face, her long hair in two braids behind her ears. Hux looked over to Phasma, the sad look had returned to her eyes and she pushed passed the others to fall back into the recliner at the corner of the room. Peering through the fog of the room Hux could see Heavy and Armory crowd around her, tearing open the case of beer they’d brought back. “Where’s Kylo?” Hux asked quietly as Rogue tugged him to the couch, sitting him down on the edge of it. She hummed, running her fingers gently through his hair, closing her eyes for a moment before shaking her head and waving a hand dismissively. “He’s with Sniper in the bathroom. Kylo thought it had been too long since they Force bonded.” Her fingers left Hux’s hair as she turned toward the bed, pulling open the drawer of the bedside table and fished out a square of slightly torn paper printed with a tie-dye design. She tore off another corner before slipping the sheet back into the drawer, then stumbled back over to Hux, falling into his lap. She took his face in one hand, easing his mouth open. “Hold this under your tongue and let it disappear,” she whispered, dragging the corner of the scrap over his tongue. Hux lifted his tongue, trying to meet Rogue’s eyes as she tucked the paper into his mouth, then carefully shut his mouth.

In roughly ten minutes, the feeling of paper in his mouth had gone away, but he felt no different. Rogue was still in his lap, arms around his neck and forehead pressed to his temple. The door to the bathroom swung open and Sniper and Kylo stumbled out, Sniper’s arms locked around him and his fingers tangled in his long hair. His head was thrown back as Kylo sucked at his neck. Kylo had jeans that were slung low on his hips, his belt and zipper undone. Sniper wore a large tunic that had laces over the chest and nothing else. “Kylo,” Rogue sang, finally untangling herself from Hux and rising to her feet. Kylo lifted his head from Sniper’s neck, straightening his back and pulling the younger man up with him. Rogue approached Kylo, pressing against his side and going up to her toes to whisper something into his ear. As she pulled away, Kylo’s eyes fell onto Hux- the look in his face was unreadable, and that fact alone made Hux somewhat nervous. Kylo looked back to Rogue, and- without warning- dropped Sniper’s lucid form to the floor and brought the back of his hand across Rogue’s face. All motion stopped in the room, Kylo standing over Rogue, who was gasping and clutching at her face, watery eyes staring back up at Kylo. “I specifically  _ told _ you,” Kylo growled, leaning down and grabbing the back of Rogue’s head, pulling a majority of her hair free from the braids they were twisted into. “You could not and you  _ would _ not give him  _ anything _ without my  _ permission _ !” He punctuated the sentence by throwing Rogue viciously into the opposite wall, the old faded paintings hanging there rattling on their hooks. Tears were flowing down Rogue’s face and she quickly sank to the floor, pulling her knees close to her chest and muttering “sorry, so sorry, so sorry,” on the way down. 

Hux didn’t realize it, but he’d pressed himself into the back of the couch, trying to make himself small. Kylo rolled his shoulders back, his gaze falling on Hux, and his expression suddenly softened. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry you had to see that,” he said quickly, making his way across the room to sit down beside Hux, winding an arm loosely around his shoulders. Hux looked out over the room again- Heavy and Armory went back to drinking, Sniper had gotten to his feet and was smoothing out the front of his tunic, Phasma had risen from the recliner and gone to help Rogue get back to her feet. Kylo followed Hux’s gaze, spotting Phasma running her fingers along Rogue’s quickly swelling cheek, and he rose again. “Do  _ not _ ,” he shouted, the volume of his voice seeming to shake the room. “Touch her.” Phasma looked up at him with pleading eyes, then looked back to Rogue before reluctantly pulling away from her. Kylo sighed, collapsing back onto the couch, leaning his head onto Hux’s shoulder. “Don’t let her give you anything else unless I’m around. I don’t want you getting sick.” Hux’s shoulder sank slightly under the weight of Kylo’s head. He nodded, barely registering the fact that Kylo probably had his eyes closed. “I won’t,” he said quietly.

“She gave you an acid tab,” Kylo explained, lifting his head and taking Hux’s chin between two fingers, turning his head so he could meet his eyes. “A low dose if she wasn’t being  _ fucking moronic _ .” He shot the two words like bullets in Rogue’s direction. She had gotten to her feet but her back was to Kylo, shoulders hunched and arms wrapped tightly around herself. Hux swallowed hard, his shoulders tightening. Kylo gave him a slight smile, ran his thumb along Hux’s lower lip, eyes half lidded. “Don’t be scared, baby,” he murmured, cupping his cheek. “I’ll be right here next to you.”

Rogue turned slightly, sniffing and rubbing at her bruised cheek. Kylo looked up at her, the smile disappearing from his face and his fingers slipping from Hux’s cheek. “Shouldn’t kick in for another half hour, if I’ve got the time right,” he said roughly, getting to his feet and meeting Rogue’s eyes. She seemed to visibly shrink under Kylo’s gaze. “In the meantime.”

“Kylo, she already apologized-” Phasma interjected, ready to get to her feet. Kylo shot a look at her and her mouth clamped shut and sat back down, fingernails digging into the arms of the chair. “Turn the radio on, Phasma.” He said, gesturing to the door. Rogue swallowed hard, looking over her shoulder at Phasma before looking back to Kylo.

“Kylo, come on, you know this is unnecessary,” Phasma tried. Kylo strode forward quickly, grabbing Rogue’s wrist roughly and leaning over Phasma in the chair. “Turn. The radio on.” He growled, then turned toward the door, dragging Rogue behind him as they stepped outside. Phasma watched the door slam and ran a hand through her hair exasperatedly, standing up and crossing the room to switch on the radio, turning to a station that seemed loud. Her eyes fell on Hux, and she went to step toward him, but was cut off by Monk falling into the spot Kylo had been in previously. “First trip, huh?” He drawled, draping an arm around Hux’s shoulders. Hux watched Phasma return to her seat then looked up at Monk. Hux swallowed briefly and nodded. “What’s it like?” He asked.

“Oh, it’s different for everyone,” Monk said dismissively, waving his hand. “Like mine, my dose was too big for a first time. I was with some friends, most of them it was their fourth or fifth trip, so they thought I had dropped before and gave me their dose. Thought the walls started breathing and I  _ swear _ I felt my heart stop. Fucked up shit, dude.”

“Monk,” Phasma said, voice steady. She cocked an eyebrow at him and he stammered for a moment. “But yours, uh…” he backpedalled, turning back to Hux. “Yours should be fine. Didn’t look like Rogue gave you much. You’ll see some cool colors, music sounds a million times better. Your typical trip lasts like… a day? You ride it out and have a killer headache before you can actually get back to sleep.”

“You can’t sleep?”

“Well, it’s not that you  _ can’t _ ,” Monk continued, sounding more and more lost. “I mean… most people just feel like they can’t. It all depends on the person.”

Hux sat back against the couch, the rigidity in his muscles still somewhat present. Monk rubbed at his arm idly for a moment before standing and crossing the room to grab a beer from Phasma.

When the door opened again- Hux wasn’t sure how much time had passed- the corners of the room had began to darken. Hux blinked, thinking he must’ve just been tired, but each blink caused the darkness to close in further. His eyes fell on Kylo, who seemed to be glowing. Rogue followed him, her lip split and bleeding. She was rubbing at her cheek, and she seemed to be moving in slow motion. Hux blinked, tilting his head slightly as he slowly got to his feet. “What happened?” He asked. His voice sounded clipped, sharp. Kylo’s lips moved, but no sound came out. Hux looked over at him as he walked up to Rogue, trying to meet her eyes. 

_ leave her alone _

Hux blinked, looking around. The voice sounded like Kylo’s, but Kylo had his back to him. Pulling his belt from the belt loops and dropping it to the floor. Hux looked back to Rogue, running his thumb carefully over her lip. Her lip dragged down underneath his touch, her eyes halfway shut. 

And then the split in her lip was spreading, red ribbons pouring from the cut and out of her mouth. They piled around her ankles, her eyes rolling up into her head. Hux jumped back, looking down at his own trembling hands. They were coated in thick, hot blood, dripping onto the carpet. “Oh God,” Hux mumbled, tripping over his feet backwards into something hot and solid. Something strong, arms, wrapped around him, and he tilted his head back.

_ you’re okay you’re okay don’t be scared you’re okay i’m here i’m right here you’re just fine _

Rogue puddled at his feet, disappearing in the pile of ribbons. The entire room was slowly swallowed by darkness, but Hux still felt the hot feeling of something wrapped around him. His breathing felt ragged, and blood sang in his ears. Without even realizing it, music seemed to cut through the darkness.

_ stars shining bright above you _

Hux swallowed hard. His lungs couldn’t seem to expand.

_ night breezes seem to whisper i love you _

He fell backwards. Something warm curled up near his shoulder, while something warmer pressed against his collarbone. There was suddenly something between his lips- taking a deep breath he realized it to be a cigarette. Exhaling, the darkness that had taken over the room lightened only for a moment. Hux’s hands scrambled toward the cigarette, quickly inhaling sharp and long to bring the light back into the room.

_ birds singing in the sycamore trees _

Unanticipatedly, Hux was suddenly filled with a heat he could not explain. It started down in his feet, slowly travelling up through his bones. He pressed back into wherever he’d fallen, the cigarette falling from his lips. His fingers curled in something soft, gripping tightly and his eyes screwing shut. His knees trembled; the unexplained warmth had reached his stomach, curling tight like a spring. All at once, his eyes flew open, and the heat exploded out of him, draping the room in bright white and yellow ribbons. He reached up, not actually knowing why, trying to grasp at the silky fabric, only to have it slip through his fingers. His arms fell back above his head, and his chest finally filled with air. A more gentle warmth was on his face, trailed over his eyes and cheeks, his lips. He relaxed slowly. “Is this what the Force feels like?” He asked. His voice didn’t sound like his own, distant and crackling like an old radio.

_ dream a little dream of me _


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all goes downhill from here.
> 
> _Song for this chapter: I'd Love to Change The World by Ten Years After_

_ Los Angeles County.  _

_ Long Beach.  _

_ October.  _

Halloween stores had started popping up in otherwise abandoned storefronts. Decorations were being put out in front lawns. Small children had already donned costumes of ghosts and vampires, Barbara Eden and astronauts. 

It had been just over a month since Brendan Hux left home. 

They had vacated the motel they’d been staying at on the beach after Kylo had a bad trip and said that not just the room, but the entire lot had “bad energy.” The group had piled into Kylo’s van late one evening, except for Rogue, who Kylo made sit in the trunk. When they’d reached another motel and she climbed out, she was dizzy from the buildup of fumes in the trunk, and yet she had a smile on her face, likely from the brief high she experienced from being in the trunk so long (after taking a few fumbling steps she fell to her knees and emptied her stomach, leaving her whimpering and shivering on the asphalt. There was vomit in her hair.) She’d been going through withdrawal after giving Hux acid without Kylo’s permission, her punishment being forbidden from smoking or taking anything that wasn’t regular cigarettes. It was scary seeing her sober for so long- she scratched at her arms and face, tugged at her hair. She rarely spoke, curling in on herself in the corners of rooms, rocking back and forth. Hux almost felt bad for her, but it seemed like Kylo knew whenever he was feeling sympathetic of her, because he would drape an arm around him and stick a lit joint between his lips and mumble something about how “she’ll be just fine” and that Hux “shouldn’t worry about it, honey.” 

Things had calmed down after what had happened Los Angeles. Heavy and Armory had decided to go downtown to meet up with a dealer and had been gone most of the afternoon. Monk and Rogue had gone to a liquor store together. As the hour grew late, Hux had asked if he could go down to the beach. Kylo had been high and preoccupied at the time of asking- Hux felt a bit awkward talking to him because Kylo’s jeans were down around his knees and Sniper’s head had been in his lap, Kylo’s fingers tangled in his hair- so he’d simply waved off Hux without thinking about sending someone with him. Despite not being asked, Phasma had offered to go with him anyway, and Hux had agreed.

“Can I ask you something?” Hux asked after they had laid out a towel over the sand. They were near the shoreline, the sun low in the sky. The air was a bit cooler, but not cool enough to call for jackets. Phasma was in a deep red sundress that brushed by her ankles when she walked with her floral scarf over her shoulders, but her head was not concealed by her sunhat. Hux was still wearing Sniper’s clothes, not having had the time or money to go and get himself his own- the jeans were a little tight and had holes in the knees, and the shirt didn’t completely cover his stomach and would ride up if Hux raised his arms too high. Neither of them were wearing shoes.

“Ask away,” Phasma said, sitting down on the towel with a short sigh. She reached into the front of her dress, pulling out a plastic bag half full of weed, a small slip of paper, and a lighter. She set the paper and bag on the towel, and rested the lighter on her knee.

“Is it true about Kylo’s father?” Hux asked, pulling his knees up to his chest as he sat down. “That Kylo killed him?”

Phasma snorted, tapping a bit of the bag’s contents onto the paper and smoothing it out. “Yes and no,” she explained. “Kylo only  _ tried _ to kill his dad.”

“What do you mean?”

Phasma shrugged, carefully rolling the joint and running her tongue along the crease in the paper to seal it. “If I tell you anything, you have to promise you don’t tell Kylo I told you. He hates talking about this kind of shit. You tell him, and I’ll be the one riding in the trunk of the van next time we change location.”

Hux nodded.

“It was his second trip. The one he claims he saw ‘Snoke’ in. Really, it was just a really bad trip. He was still riding it out when he came to find me, even though I told him it would be best if he didn’t trip when he was alone,” she ran a finger along the edge of the seam to smooth it out, then stuck the joint between her lips. “Anyway, so he takes too high a dose and he is tripping hard,” she continued as she flicked the lighter to life. “Starts freaking out about some old man he sees, says this old guy is following him around. His parents have no idea what’s going on, I’m pretty sure his mom was about to call the police. He goes into his kitchen, pulls a knife on his dad, saying ‘he wants me to do it, he wants me to kill you so that I can be better,’ all that. He takes a few swings at him, cuts him through his shirt and his dad is bleeding, sure, but he’s far from being dead. Then he runs out of the house to find me, starts telling me he did something bad and he doesn’t know what to do.”

She exhaled, smoke curling above her head before passing the joint over to Hux. 

“I locked him in my room after I pulled out anything he could either break or hurt himself with and I went down to his house. Everything there is  _ fine _ . His dad is on the couch with his tore up bloody shirt off and he’s bandaging himself up, his mom is making sure the dad is fine and wondering if she should call the police. I tell her everything’s fine and that he’s at my house, and I ask if I should bring him home once he’s. You know. Sober. His dad  _ flips _ , saying that he doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore. No son of his would be smoking dope- it wasn’t dope- and going crazy on them. I mean, I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t want my kid around me either if he was that unstable, but I feel like they should’ve talked it out.”

“How old were you?”

“I was eighteen, he was twenty-one. Only reason he was still living with his folks was he couldn’t hold down a decent job.”

Hux thought a moment. That had to have been at least six years ago. He tried to imagine what Kylo might’ve looked like at twenty-one: maybe he was skinnier, less muscle. Maybe his hair was shorter. Maybe his eyes weren’t so out of focus and tired.

“That’s how he got that scar, actually,” Phasma went on. “When I got back to my house to check on him, he’d broken my mirror and hacked up his face. He wouldn’t have his eye if I hadn’t stopped him. He was shouting about how Snoke was… rebuilding him or something. He needed to… rip through who he used to be and let the new person out.

“And Kylo’s not his real name, either,” Phasma finished, shrugging one shoulder as she took the joint back. “It’s Ben. Started having me call him Kylo after that bad trip because ‘Snoke’ gave him a new image or whatever.”

“Ben?” Hux repeated quietly. He couldn’t see that, Kylo didn’t look like a Ben. He didn’t see beads and tie-dye and acid- Hux thought of the name  _ Ben _ and he saw trimmed hair, a clean face, proper clothes. 

“He hasn’t had a trip like that since, though,” Phasma breathed, smoke clouding in front of her face. “And, to be honest, I’m afraid it’ll happen again. He’s always had a temper problem, for as long as I’ve known him at least. When you want to trip, you have to be in a good mood, or else it fucks with the whole experience. If he took something because he was angry…”

She trailed off, looking out over the water as she handed the joint back to Hux. Hux took this in as he inhaled. His first trip last month, would that be considered a bad one? He didn’t really know what to expect from it at the time, and it wasn’t as though he didn’t enjoy the experience, but he wasn’t completely sure if he wanted to do it again. That feeling of being surrounded by blackness and not being able to see what was close to you, whose hands were on you- even the idea of it right now made him somewhat nervous.

“Okay, my turn,” Phasma said, breaking him from his train of thought. “Back in L.A., when Rogue convinced you to drop acid and Kylo lost his shit and hit her. That didn’t… make you want to leave? Seeing him so angry?”

Hux thought a moment. “No,” he said, voice unintentionally quiet.

Phasma looked over at him sadly. “Why do you think that is?”

Hux shrugged, handing the joint back and wrapping his arms around his knees. “It’s… different here. With you guys. With him. I’ve always been… so afraid of becoming my parents. And when I’m with all of you, I know I’m as far from them as I’ll ever get. I’ve been taught to bottle everything up all my life. I mean… sure I can be emotional and get upset, but it’s not like my parents ever wanted to hear about that. I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up either, so… there was nowhere for anything to go.”

“And it all comes out with us?”

“I…” Hux wet his lips, looking down. “No, actually. It doesn’t. I’m… I’m still the same.”

“So why stay?”

Hux swallowed, shaking his head briefly before looking over at Phasma. “Is it bad if… he makes me feel safe?”

They finished the joint in silence, Phasma’s head falling onto Hux’s shoulder as the sun finally disappeared. “Your hands are so small,” she commented quietly, voice sluggish as she took one of Hux’s hands and ran her finger over the lines in his palm. Hux smiled tiredly, shrugging. “Sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Phasma laughed, lifting her head to meet his eyes. She smelled like pot and linen, her eyes were soft and her pupils blown wide. A section of her hair had fallen into her face. “They’re cute.”

Hux laughed again, lifting a hand to gently push her hair back into place. She leaned into his touch. Hux noticed a light blush spread across her face. “Brendan,” she said softly. Hux’s hand was still on her head, her hair falling between his fingers. Hearing his name caught him somewhat off guard. “Can you do something for me?”

“Sure,” he said softly. Phasma’s head tilted forward, her forehead against Hux’s as she closed her eyes.

“If there’s ever a chance that you can get away from us,” she whispered. Her breath brushed warmly over Hux’s face. “Take it.”

Hux swallowed hard, nodding. “I promise.”

Phasma hummed, shoulders relaxing. Hux bit his lip softly, then tilted his head to gently press his lips to Phasma’s. She startled, pulling away quickly; Hux’s hand fell from her hair. “Oh- sorry, was- was that wrong-”

“I- no,” Phasma said, turning away from him and rubbing at the back of her neck. “It wasn’t… no it wasn’t wrong, I just-”

“I’m so sorry-”

“Don’t apologize, it’s fine, just…” She bit her lip, then glanced back over at him. “Don’t tell Kylo.”

Hux nodded again, turning to rest his chin on top of his knees. “That was my first kiss,” he admitted after a quiet moment. Phasma rolled her eyes somewhat fondly. “Some first kiss.” Hux looked over at her, and she bit her lip. Then she sighed, turning back to face him. “Here,” she mumbled, then took his face in her hands, leaning forward to kiss him again. Her mouth was soft and warm, and she tasted like cheap beer. Hux inhaled sharply, tilting his head and attempting to match her and kiss her back. She pulled away after another moment, eyes still closed. “There,” she mumbled, going to her feet. “Call that your first kiss.” Hux blushed softly, looking up at her before slowly standing up himself. He swayed a bit; Phasma placed a steadying hand on the small of his back. “We should head back,” she said as Hux leaned down to pick up the towel, shaking some of the sand out before draping it over his arm. He nodded, straightening his back. Phasma looked over at him, smoothing her hand out over his back before turning to start heading up the beach. Hux stood in the sand for a moment, looking out over the water before he quickly caught up to her, keeping about half a step behind her. “Phasma,” he said. “Why kiss me again if-”

“Quiet,” Phasma snapped softly, shooting a look over her shoulder as they made it up to the sidewalk. Hux jumped, looking back at her with confusion. She sighed, lowering her eyes for a moment. “I didn’t want your first kiss to be crap, okay?”

“Why would-”

“Because I know  _ he _ would take it from you.”

The walk back to the motel was silent. When they reached the front door, the sun had gone down. The sky was dark, stars hidden by the smog of the city. There was a slight fog in the room- Sniper was lying on the couch on his stomach, asleep. Kylo was sitting in the bed, his back against the headboard and smoking a cigarette. He had a newspaper in his lap. He looked up as the door clicked shut, and as his eyes landed on Hux’s face, he put his cigarette on the newspaper, the embers burning through and hitting his leg. He didn’t flinch. “Where’ve you been?” He asked, standing up from the bed.

“The beach,” Hux supplied, looking over at Phasma, who had crossed to the other side of the room to pull a lukewarm beer from the nearly empty case. Kylo seemed to think for a moment and then he nodded solemnly, balling up the newspaper and throwing it across the room. Hux licked his lips, folding his hands behind his back and taking a slight step towards Phasma. 

“Honey, could I have a word with you?”

Hux froze, looking over at Kylo. He’d stood up from his spot on the bed, smoothing out the creases in the front of his pants- instead of his usual jeans, they were deep purple corduroy. He wore a loose white shirt and his long strands of beads. Hux looked over to Sniper, who was still asleep, drool puddling on the couch near his cheek. He swallowed then looked back up at Kylo, who was smiling at him coyly. He glanced over at Phasma, who met his eyes only briefly before distracting herself with her drink. “Sure,” he finally said. Kylo nodded, taking a few steps forward and gesturing to the door. “I know you just came back inside, but we should really speak… in private.” Hux blushed softly and nodded again, allowing Kylo to lead him outside. The cool evening air pressed down on Hux’s skin, and he wrapped his arms around himself. Kylo seemed unaffected. He slid his hands into his pockets, tilting his head and pursing his lips before looking over at Hux. “I feel like we haven’t spent enough time together since you decided to come along with us,” he said, that tired smile coming back to his face. Hux leaned up against the outside wall of the building, arms still folded. “You’ve been… busy.” Hux said, glancing down. Kylo arched an eyebrow inquisitively, then laughed softly, planting his hand on the wall beside Hux’s head and leaning close to him. “Baby, let me just say you may have green eyes but jealousy isn’t a good look on you.”

Hux blushed deeply. “I’m not- who said-”

“Listen,” Kylo drawled, leaning closer. The smell of cigarettes lingered on his breath. “There’s nothing for you to worry about, I promise. If you ever need anything, you just let me know. I’ve been called a good… provider on multiple occasions.”

Hux looked up at him, blinking a few times. “What…” his voice was strained and he cleared his throat. “What do you mean?”

Kylo chuckled again, his other hand going to trail over Hux’s cheek. “You’re so sweet,” he mumbled, fingers catching briefly on Hux’s bottom lip. Hux suddenly remembered that moment from his trip, when he’d performed the same gesture on Rogue and she’d practically split at the seams and fell apart into ribbons. He pressed himself back against the wall, Kylo’s hand falling away from his face. Something twitched in Kylo’s face- his lip, his eye, Hux couldn’t completely tell- but then relaxed again as he dropped that hand onto Hux’s shoulder. He made a face, squeezing Hux’s shoulder briefly before clucking his tongue quietly. “You’re so tense, baby,” he whispered. He glanced around briefly before taking Hux’s chin between two fingers. “Let me help you.”

Hux hesitated a moment, thinking back on what Phasma had said to him not even an hour ago on the beach.

_ if there’s ever a chance that you can get away from us, take it _

This might’ve been that moment, had Hux not nodded ever so slightly.

Kylo grinned, radiating with the devastating charm he’d captured Hux with, before leaning forward and pressing his lips firmly against Hux’s own. 

Kissing Kylo was drastically different from kissing Phasma. For one, Phasma’s had been firm but fleeting, whereas Kylo’s was soft yet demanding. He tasted different, too- like dope and black coffee. His hands came up to rest on either side of Hux’s face, dragging him in closer; Hux’s arms stayed at his sides, fingernails digging into the fabric of his pants. 

Part of him was nervous someone would come by and see them, hurl insults at them or worse. 

The other part was nervous that Kylo would stop.

Hux attempted to pinch his eyes shut but found himself unable, moving his mouth slowly and experimentally against Kylo’s. He for some reason felt the need to memorize this particular moment- Kylo’s big hands splayed out over his cheek, the softness of his mouth, the heat of his tongue. His scent- not just cigarettes, but cloves Hux realized, cheap beer, and motel soap- was damn near overwhelming, folding around Hux like a warm blanket. In fact, every bit of Kylo was just  _ warm _ ; Hux felt like it was summer again. Hux counted one, two, three, four moles, stark against Kylo’s lightly tanned skin, and nearly got lost in his constellation of freckles. He wondered for a moment if he’d been missing out on this, if Kylo had just been waiting for an opportunity to kiss him. 

_ How did I live without this for so long? _

Kylo’s hips rocked forward into Hux’s own, and a small sound escaped him, eyes finally slipping shut. 

After what felt like hours, Kylo did pull away, and Hux chased after his mouth, a soft whine slipping from his lips. Kylo chuckled, running long fingers through Hux’s hair, which had grown out a bit since he’d left with Kylo and his group, curling up near his ears. “What do you want, darling?” He whispered, warm breath dancing over Hux’s face. Hux sighed, one hand going up to wrap around Kylo’s wrist. “You,” Hux breathed, trying desperately to find Kylo’s lips again. “All of you.”

Kylo hummed, pressing feather light kisses to Hux’s cheeks and nodding softly. “What a coincidence.” He murmured, then pulled away, curling a hand around the back of Hux’s neck and leading him back into the motel room. His arm slipped over his shoulders as Phasma looked up from her seat at the corner of the room; Hux saw her eyes fall sadly and she stood from her seat to switch on the radio. Hux blinked before looking back up at Kylo, who tightened his arm around his shoulders as he led him into the bathroom. The light was out, but the low evening light streamed in through the small window across from the door. Kylo gently shut the door, then turned back to Hux, arching an eyebrow and smirking gently. “Let me see you, honey,” he said softly, unbuckling his belt and slipping it from the loops slowly. Hux blushed softly, swallowing briefly before reaching up and pulling off his- or rather, Sniper’s- shirt and dropping it to the tile floor. Kylo hummed softly, tilting his head as his eyes raked over Hux’s form. “You’re so little,” he mumbled; Hux’s blush darkened, spreading down his neck and chest. Kylo nodded briefly, undoing the front of his pants. “Keep going.” Hux nodded back, biting his lip softly as he unzipped his jeans, swallowing hard as he slid them down his legs, kicking them aside and folding his hands in front of himself. Kylo licked his lips, baring his teeth for a moment and shaking his head slightly. “Keep going,” he repeated, nodding toward Hux. He stepped out of his pants and briefs, his shirt untucked now as he tugged it over his head. Hux slowly licked his own lips; without clothes, Kylo looked even bigger, all broad shoulders and wide hips. He smiled, shifting his weight to one foot and tilting his head. “Yeah, take it in, but don’t stop on my account.” And again, Hux blushed, before inhaling sharply and sliding his briefs down and dropping his hands to his sides. Kylo slowly nodded, then stepped forward, placing his big hands on Hux’s hips and capturing his mouth in a slow, hot kiss. His fingers dug into Hux’s soft flesh for a moment, shifting his hips forward before lifting him easily onto the countertop. The sharp edge of the faucet dug into Hux’s back, but he was too distracted by Kylo’s mouth trailing along the side of his neck. A soft moan broke from his chest as he tilted his head back, feeling Kylo’s teeth scrape along his skin.

The music outside the bathroom grew louder as Kylo sank to his knees in front of the sink, guiding Hux’s legs apart. He bit softly at the soft flesh of Hux’s thighs, soothing each mark with his tongue. Hux’s head fell back against the cabinet above the sink, his fingers finding Kylo’s long hair and gripping it tightly. He felt Kylo smile against his thigh and he shivered. A choked groan lodged in his throat as he felt Kylo’s careful fingers wrap around Hux’s dick, stroking him once, twice, before he dipped his head, running his tongue along the head. Hux gasped, knees closing around Kylo’s head and eyes flying open. Kylo’s head sank slowly, and Hux’s toes curled in against his feet. “K-Kylo,” Hux said thickly, biting his lip as his nails dug into Kylo’s scalp. Kylo hummed around his cock, the head bulging in his cheek as he tilted his head. It took all of Hux’s willpower not to buck his hips forward and risk slipping off of the countertop. 

It didn’t take long for Hux’s eyes to screw shut, seeing white and yellow ribbons from behind his eyelids.

His softening cock fell from Kylo’s lips, spit and seed dribbling down Kylo’s chin. He sighed softly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before getting to his feet. “That was fast,” he mumbled, leaning forward and pressing his lips to Hux’s softly, his mouth warm and salty. Hux whined, wrapping his legs around Kylo and tugging him forward. “Sorry.” He mumbled against his mouth, desperate to kiss him harder. Kylo laughed softly, shaking his head and taking Hux’s hand in his own. “Don’t apologize, you just need practice.” He said softly, then pulled Hux’s hand up to his mouth and trailed his tongue gently over his palm. He pulled Hux’s hand forward and curled his thin fingers around his own dick, hard from the sounds he’d pulled from Hux moments earlier. “Now, help me out, would you, honey?”

Hux nodded softly as Kylo pulled back, meeting his eyes as Hux began to move his hand. He tried to remember the last time he’d done this to himself, twisting his wrist slightly and swiping his thumb over the head. Kylo groaned, a deep rumbling sound deep in his throat, and he bit his lip softly, holding Hux’s gaze. “I’m so glad you decided to come with us, honey,” he mumbled and smiled slyly. Hux moved his hand a bit quicker. “You’re so good, red,” Kylo continued, a soft moan escaping him as his hand wrapped around Hux’s. “So good. I’ve never had anyone like you.” Hux blushed, licking his lips as his breath caught in his throat. Kylo took a shuddering breath, then surged forward to kiss Hux roughly, teeth digging into his bottom lip. He let out a long sigh into Hux’s mouth as he came, his hand falling from his cock to wrap around Hux’s, sticky slick with his release. Kylo smiled against his mouth with a soft hum, his clean hand going up to curl in Hux’s hair. After a moment, a sound cut through the music from the radio; Hux registered it as someone incessantly banging on the bathroom door. Kylo sighed, pulling away reluctantly before finding his pants and pulling them on lazily, not bothering to zip or fasten them before opening the door.

It was Monk. His hair was wild, and he was sweating buckets. Phasma was a step behind him, trying to grab his arm and presumably help him calm down.  “Kylo, man, you gotta help me,” he panted, reaching up to grab Kylo’s shoulders. Hux shrank back, eyes scanning the floor for his clothes. He settled on grabbing Kylo’s shirt from earlier, pulling it on over his shoulders and hoping to regain a bit of dignity. He went up to the sink, turning the tap and splashing water onto his face. Monk didn’t seem to notice. Kylo placed his hands on Monk’s wrists, pushing his hands away from him and keeping a tight hold on him. “What is it?”

“It’s Rogue,” Monk finally said, shaking his hands away to bite at his nails. “We did what you said, we went out to get beer, and she lost it. Started ranting about spiders on her and in her hair. I told her we just need to give her something to smoke and she’ll be fine but she was… was saying that she didn’t want to get in trouble again and-”

“Monk, slow down,” Kylo said. Hux got to his feet, walking up behind him and crossing his arms tightly in front of himself. The flannel was large on him, but not large enough to make him feel comfortable. His legs shook slightly as he tried to stay upright, and one hand went to steady himself and gripped Kylo’s arm. He didn’t seem to notice. “Where is Rogue now?”

“I don’t know, dude, I don’t-” Monk took a shaky breath. “She’s… gone.”

Hux looked up at Kylo. He couldn’t read his expression- something that always got him nervous. He nodded slowly, glancing down at Hux before putting a solid arm around his shoulders. “Good riddance,” he said nonchalantly, shrugging a shoulder and leading Hux out of the bathroom. Monk sputtered, turning to face him again. “How can you say that?” He shouted. “She’s a person, too! She’s been with you just as long as Sniper has-”

“If she wants to come back, she will,” Kylo explained, sitting on the bed and guiding Hux to sit with him. Hux obliged, and was greeted with a gentle hand running through his hair. “And besides. Even if she doesn’t come back, she can always be replaced.” Monk stared at him, shoulders sagging. Phasma went up to his side, touching his arm carefully. “She's a  _ person _ ,” he repeated slowly, allowing Phasma to grab his arm and lead him toward the door. Kylo shrugged again, pulling a crumpled package of cigarettes from his pocket and tapping one out. “Is she?” He asked, looking up at Monk as he stuck the cigarette into his mouth. “Are you?” Monk shook his head slightly, then went up to pull something from the bedside table drawer before making his way outside with Phasma.

Kylo sighed, picking up the lighter from the bedside table and sticking his cigarette between his lips. “Oh, red,” he hummed, lighting the cigarette before leaning back to rest his head in Hux’s lap. “Sometimes I wish it was just you and me in this world.”

Hux wet his lips, hesitantly brushing his fingers through Kylo’s hair. He nodded.

Kylo dragged slowly on the cigarette, exhaling smoke through his nostrils. “It feels like you’re the only one who really understands what it is I’m doing.”

Hux nodded again. Watching him smoke that cigarette was making him crave one, but he thought it best not to ask.

“Oh, well,” Kylo mumbled, closing his eyes and plucking the cigarette out of his mouth, holding it up to Hux lazily. Hux took it, placing it between his lips. He looked over at Sniper, who was still asleep on the couch, his back now to the rest of the room. “ _ I _ _ llegitimi non carborundum,  _ and all that.” And he rolled out of Hux’s lap and onto his side, folding an arm beneath a scratchy pillow and pulling his knees up to his chest. Hux stayed sitting up, taking a drag off the cigarette and breathing softly. He looked over to the clock on the nightstand- it read just after one in the morning.  _ Illegitimi non carborundum _ , Hux thought, tilting his head slightly. He’d heard the phrase before, and tried for a moment to remember what it meant. Instead, he put the cigarette out in the ashtray on the nightstand, and laid down himself to go to sleep.

Hux woke roughly four hours later, to the sound of the radio. He rubbed at his eye tiredly, wondering why someone would turn the radio on so early in the morning, when the group of them had been getting up as late as one in the afternoon. Kylo was still asleep beside him, his arm now thrown over Hux’s waist protectively. Sniper had rolled off the couch and was now asleep on the floor. Phasma was sleeping in the recliner. Armory and Heavy were still missing, as was Monk. Hux sat up slowly, Kylo’s arm sliding off of him. The door to the bathroom was ajar; Hux slipped out of bed, eyes still nearly glued shut with sleep and went to turn off the radio.

However, the radio wasn’t in its place.

Hux rubbed his eyes again and blinked, the blurriness of sleep slowly fading. The music coming from the radio was quiet and distant, as though it were in another room. Hux’s eyes fell to the floor and saw the electrical cord connecting the radio to the outlet on the floor and leading into the bathroom. The light in the bathroom was on, but flickering. The lightbulb would need to be changed. Hux carefully padded across the floor, tiptoeing around Phasma to avoid waking her, and pulled the door open a bit further to peer inside.

He immediately regretted his decision.

He screamed, tumbling backwards and covering his mouth. Sniper, Phasma and Kylo all jolted awake, and Kylo quickly jumped from the bed and knelt down behind Hux. “What is it? What’s wrong?” He murmured, wrapping his arms tightly around him and pulling his shaking frame against himself. Hux panted and stammered, gesturing to the bathroom with a trembling hand. Kylo reluctantly released him, standing back up to look in the bathroom. Phasma stood up, making her way into the bathroom herself. Hux heard her gasp. 

Something shattered.

“ _ Fucking pathetic! _ ” Kylo shouted.

“Kylo- Kylo, stop-”

And then Monk’s dead body was thrown onto the floor in front of Hux. The belt he’d used to hang himself was still around his neck.

Hux scrambled back, trying to force himself to his feet to find the room’s phone. Even though he found it, his fingers weren’t able to dial before Kylo’s arms appeared around him again, one hand covering his mouth and the other stroking his hair fondly. “Hush, honey, it’s alright,” he mumbled, going to his knees and pulling Hux down to the ground with him. “We need to call someone-” Hux whined, pulling against the restraint of Kylo’s arms futilely. “Now, honey, Monk made his choice, there’s no helping him now.”

“I let him drop acid last night,” Hux heard Phasma murmur. He looked over and saw her kneeling down beside Monk’s limp body, her hand on his wrist. “If he hadn’t-”

“Phasma, don’t you  _ dare _ blame yourself for Monk’s pitiful attempt to reach enlightenment,” Kylo snapped, tightening his grip around Hux. “He decided to do this to himself.”

“We can help him-” Hux tried, but Kylo clamped his hand over his mouth again, shushing him softly. He turned to look up at Sniper, who was uncharacteristically silent. “Get our stuff, Sniper, we have to go.”

“What should we do with-” Sniper tried to pick his words carefully. “What should we do with Monk?”

Kylo looked back over at him and shook his head, getting to his feet and pulling Hux up with him, turning him around to press his face into his chest. “We can’t take him with us. The cleaning service will find him. In the meantime-”

“Kylo, we can’t just leave him here,” Phasma protested, hands going to remove the belt from around Monk’s neck. “Yes, we can, Phasma!” Kylo yelled; Hux tensed in his arms at the sudden rise in his voice. Kylo sighed, running a hand gently over Hux’s back. “It’s our only option. Now go with Sniper and get the van ready. Red and I will be out there shortly.” Phasma exchanged a brief glance with Sniper, who gave her a cold look before turning to head out of the room. Phasma reluctantly followed.

“Now, honey, these things happen,” Kylo said once the room was empty aside from Monk. “They happen and there’s nothing we can do to change them. There’s no use in crying over spilt milk.”

“But it isn’t  _ spilt milk _ , it’s a  _ person _ , it’s your  _ friend _ -”

“Monk knew what he was getting into when he decided to come with me,” Kylo said firmly. “It isn’t my fault he couldn’t handle it, and it isn’t my fault he wasn’t smart enough to run away with Rogue. Now, listen,” Kylo placed his hands on Hux’s shoulders, forcing him to lean back and look up at Kylo. His eyes were wide and wet. 

“Do not worry about Monk.”

“Kylo, I-”

“Now, honey, you aren’t listening,” Kylo said tightly, squeezing his shoulders roughly as a somewhat deranged look crossed his features. “Repeat after me.  _ Do not worry about Monk _ .”

Hux swallowed thickly and nodded. “D-do… do not worry about Monk.”

“What happened to Monk is not my fault.”

“What happened to Monk is not your fault.”

“What happened to Monk is Monk’s fault.”

“What happened to Monk is Monk’s fault.”

Kylo nodded slowly, then leaned forward to softly kiss Hux’s forehead. “Now, let’s help Sniper and Phasma load up the van.” Hux nodded again.

And then Hux remembered what the phrase Kylo had said last night translated to.

_ Don’t let the bastards get you down. _


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Song for this chapter: White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane_

_The Great Basin Desert._

_Nevada._

_November._

 

The air was dry and cold. The wind was bitter. There were two cabins out in this part of the desert- one of which was empty, the other occupied by six young people, some more shaken than the others. The shutters of the filled cabin trembled with each passing gust of wind, kicking up loose sand around the foundation of the cabin. On the porch was a pair of rocking chairs, in one of which was a boy who’d been gone from home for too long.

Brendan Hux was smoking a cigarette with one slightly shaking hand, looking up over the horizon at the rising sun.

After Rogue’s disappearance and Monk’s death, Kylo had decided that the energy in Long Beach was too dark (“If we stay here any longer, Monk won’t be the only dead body we have to deal with,” Kylo had said once they had piled into the van, Hux’s knees pulled up to his chest and breathing labored) and they had to get as far away as possible. Not only that, but Kylo knew how close Rogue and Monk had gotten as of late, and he didn’t want to be anywhere near where Monk’s body was in case she showed back up, thoroughly convinced that if she found Kylo with Monk’s body she would assume the worst and get the lot of them arrested. Something in Kylo’s reasoning behind wanting to get out of town made Hux’s stomach turn, but after they’d gone to a rest stop and Kylo had somewhat soothed him in the handicap stall of the restroom with one huge hand down the front of his pants, Hux’s worries had faded to the back of his mind at least for a moment, Kylo mumbling “Don’t worry, honey, you’re safe,” like a broken record against Hux’s ear.

Phasma had noticed the wiry tenseness in Hux’s limbs, and suggested that the group stop at a flea market that they had passed on the way out of the city. Kylo had been somewhat difficult to convince, saying something about how they didn’t need to buy anything, finally agreeing to turn around when Phasma pointed out that Hux was still wearing Sniper’s old clothes, and he deserved something comfortable (“Maybe doing a little shopping might soothe his frayed nerves?” She’d also said, which might have been what finally got Kylo to head back). Kylo had gone with Sniper, finding someone who claimed to be selling dope; Armory and Heavy had disappeared into a covered tent run by an old man with a long greying beard with various guns on display; Phasma had gone with Hux to find him some clothes that fit. They found some faded blue jeans in Hux’s size, as well as a few oversized sweaters and a handmade poncho for Phasma, which draped over her broad shoulders in soft, elegant dark red and black waves. By the time they’d gotten back to the van, Hux admittedly did feel a bit more comfortable, Armory had a new knife with a glittering turquoise handle strapped to his thigh, and Sniper was rolling joints in the front seat.

It seemed like they had been driving for hours by the time they’d found the cabins. An older man and his wife were staying in one of them, and Kylo had found out the pair owned the property and talked them into renting out the other cabin to the group for cheap as long as they kept up maintenance of the property. The cabin had two small bedrooms connected by a smaller bathroom, with a fairly large living room that led into a small kitchenette. Heavy and Armory had said they were okay taking the living room, considering they often ended up sleeping in the van anyway, and Kylo had insisted that he and Hux share a room. Hux could’ve sworn he saw Sniper throw him a sideways glance as he followed Phasma into the other bedroom.

The mornings were chilly, the sky thick with clouds. Hux took a drag off his cigarette, his tremors minimizing only slightly with each pull. Though it had been about a week since they had gotten to the cabin, Hux still found himself thinking about what had happened back in Long Beach. He’d never learned Monk’s real name. The sight of his pale lips, his empty eyes, the bruising around his neck from the belt he’d killed himself with harsh and purple. For the first few days, it was Monk that haunted Hux, having nightmares about Monk grabbing him around the neck, cigarette smoke pouring from his mouth and eyes. But not long after, the Monk in Hux’s nightmares had turned into Kylo, his big hands tightening around his throat, Hux’s knees buckling and collapsing beneath Kylo’s weight. Each sleep grew shorter and shorter, until Hux found himself lying awake with Kylo’s arms wound around him to keep him close. _Maybe to keep me from leaving_ , Hux had thought one evening after he’d tried to pry himself from Kylo’s grasp to get himself a glass of water, ending up going the rest of the night with a dry throat.

In the mornings, if Kylo had rolled onto his side and loosened his arms around him, Hux would slip quietly out of bed to smoke a cigarette on the porch. The mornings were cold and made Hux shiver, but the cold jolted Hux awake and away from any traces of sleep, and the cigarettes got him to calm down just a touch. He was decidedly more comfortable in clothes that actually fit, wearing one of the soft wool sweaters they’d gotten at the flea market, but the cold still bit through the fabric, goosebumps rising on his arms. He finished off the cigarette, dropping it to the floor of the porch and grinding it out with the heel of his shoe before folding his arms tightly over himself with a sigh.

The door to the cabin creaked open, and Hux nearly had a heart attack.

“Bit early, don’t you think?”

It was Armory, wearing a Baja hoodie and torn jeans, the frayed hems of which tucked into his cowboy boots. Hux sighed, running a hand through his hair before looking back over the expanse of desert. “Just needed some fresh air,” Hux mumbled, crossing his arms again. He heard Armory hum softly, then heard the scraping of wood on wood, assuming that Armory was pulling over the second rocking chair to sit beside him. He sighed softly, sliding his hands into the large front pocket of his sweatshirt. “You doing alright, red?”

Hux shrugged. “Not bad.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Armory said with a soft chuckle. He held out an open palm; Hux took the gesture as Armory asking for a cigarette. Hux tapped one from the pack in his lap and handed it over to Armory, along with his lighter. Armory hummed as he lit his cigarette, leaning back in the rocking chair with a soft sigh.

“Stanley Camp,” he said on an exhale, tapping the end of the cigarette nonchalantly. Hux blinked, looking over at him with one eyebrow raised. Armory glanced over at him, returning the cigarette to his lips before nodding softly. “Monk. His real name was Stanley Camp,” he explained from behind the cigarette, then breathed out the smoke, shoulders sinking with relaxation. “First time I met him he was trying to score some cheap dope in some seedy bar. I let him come smoke with Heavy and me, and then Kylo said he should stick around for a while. Guess he stayed with us for a little too long.” Hux swallowed, watching Armory for a moment before looking down at his lap. _Stanley Camp_ , he thought before pulling out another cigarette and sticking it between his lips. Armory finished off his own cigarette and flicked it off the porch into the sand, then reached into the pocket of his sweatshirt once again, producing the turquoise knife tucked into its leather holster. “Hey, I want you to take this,” he said, holding the knife out to Hux as he lit his second cigarette. Hux looked over at the knife, eyebrow arched and head tilted slightly. He took a slow drag on the cigarette, taking the knife warily. “Why?” He asked around the cigarette, pulling the knife carefully from the holster. The blade caught the low light of the early morning, tilting his head as wound his fingers around the handle. Armory turned slightly in his chair, reaching over to adjust Hux’s grip on the knife. “You never know what’ll happen in the desert,” he said before getting to his feet, sliding his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt. “Only use it in emergencies, though,” Armory said, patting Hux on the shoulder before heading quietly back into the cabin. Hux looked down at the knife again, holding it up in the light for a moment before tucking it back into the holster before taking the cigarette from between his lips and sighing out an exhale.

When Hux headed back inside, Armory was on the couch with Heavy sharing a joint, and Phasma was in the kitchen with a cup of steaming coffee. Hux pushed the door shut and tucked the knife into his back pocket as he walked into the kitchen. Phasma looked up at him and took a slow drink from her mug, then leaned back against the counter. “Get enough sleep?” She asked nonchalantly, brushing a hand through her hair. Hux shrugged, finding a cup for himself before turning to the coffee pot. “Where’s Kylo?” He asked, filling his cup and wrapping his fingers around it with a sigh. Phasma’s expression fell and she took a short drink. “Shower.” She downed the last of her coffee before setting the cup in the small sink, then turned to Hux again. “Hey, I’m going on a beer run in a little while, want to come with?” She asked, crossing her arms before looking out through the window above the sink. Hux blinked, glancing toward the door to his and Kylo’s bedroom before nodding, taking another drink. A handful of minutes passed before one of the bedroom doors slammed open. Sniper stumbled back onto the shag carpet, trying to get back to his feet. His hair and the shoulders of his jacket were soaked through, and he was struggling to fasten his belt. “ _Little whore_ ,” Kylo’s voice hissed from the bedroom before he stormed out, a ragged towel wrapped around his waist, his long damp hair falling out of a loose ponytail. Sniper finally got up, belt still undone; his eyes were red and puffy from what Hux assumed to be crying. “Honey, I’m sorry, I just thought-”

“Shut your damn mouth,” Kylo boomed, the back of his hand coming down on Sniper’s cheek. Hux jumped slightly as Sniper fell to the floor; Phasma put a gentle hand on his shoulder, then leaned over to whisper against his ear, “We should head out.” Hux nodded quickly, Phasma grabbing the van’s keys from the counter and leading him out of the cabin as Kylo grabbed Sniper by the front of his jacket and yanked him roughly to his feet.

The car ride was quiet, aside from the wind blowing outside. Hux leaned back against the seat and smoked another cigarette, resting his arm against the open window. Phasma drummed her fingers against the steering wheel. “I’m real tired, Brendan,” she said after a while, sighing quietly. Hux blinked, looking over at her with one eyebrow lifted. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, Ben’s _bullshit_ is starting to get to me, I think,” Phasma said sharply, tightening her grip on the wheel. “He beat on Rogue and now he’s beating on Sniper, he didn’t even care that Monk _fucking died_.”

“Phasma, I-”

“Jesus Christ, don’t call me that,” she said, waving a hand without taking her eyes off the road. She sighed, rubbing at her eye with the heel of her hand before holding a hand out to Hux. “Give me one of those.” Hux blinked but then he nodded, pulling a cigarette from the pack and lighting it off the end of his own before handing it over to Phasma- Gwen, who took it gratefully and quickly placed it between her lips. She pulled the van over to the side of the empty road and rolled down the window, taking a long drag before running a shaking hand through her hair. “I don't know how much more of this I can stomach,” she said softly, resting her forehead against her palm and shaking her head slightly. Hux shifted in his seat. “If you… don't mind me asking, Ph- Gwen- why have you stayed around as long as you have?”

Phasma took another drag, shaking her head and closing her eyes. “It sounds stupid, but I feel… obligated to stay now,” she tried to explain. “Especially given... recent events. All this garbage that Ben pulls, he's unstable. If someone wasn't around to keep him in line, I… Jesus, I don't even want to think about what he’d do.”

“No one’s forcing you to stay,” Hux attempted, tossing his spent cigarette out the window. “Just leave. Rogue did, why can't you?”

Phasma sighed. “I don't know. I… I really should, but…”

“But what?”

He heard her swallow, then she shook her head again before placing her hands back on the wheel and pulling back onto the road. The car was silent again until they’d reached the liquor store, roughly twenty minutes later. Phasma pulled into a parking spot and sighed. Hux went to open his door, but was stopped by a hand on his wrist. “Brendan,” Phasma said softly, curling her fingers around his thin wrist. Hux blinked, looking over at her and settling back in the seat.

“If I decided to leave, would you come with me?”

Hux blinked, trying to find the right words. He cleared his throat. “Where would we go?” He finally asked. Phasma shrugged, her grip on him slackening. “Anywhere but here,” she said, shaking her head. “It wouldn't matter. What would matter would be that we weren't with _him_ anymore.”

Hux swallowed. “Why… why would you want me to go with you?”

Phasma looked up at him, a hurt look crossing her face as she dropped his wrist. “Why do you think?” She asked, as though the answer were obvious. When Hux only gaped at her, her expression went dry and she shook her head. “You know what, just forget I said anything,” she mumbled, turning to open her door and step outside. Hux watched as she quickly wound her arms around herself as she approached the liquor store, opening and closing the front door quickly to keep the cold wind out. Hux decided it best to stay in the car.

The drive home was silent. Hux thought about having a cigarette and rolling down the window, but instead kept his hands in his lap. It was late afternoon by the time they’d made it back to the cabin, the sun low in the sky and the air decidedly cooler than earlier. Hux went to help carry in a case of beer, but Phasma waved him off without a word. Hux went into the cabin, and was surprised to find the living room mostly empty, save for Kylo, who was lounging across the couch, his eyes closed. His hair was tied up loosely. His arm was draped over his stomach, and there was half a joint between his fingers. The radio was playing softly. “Where is everyone?” Hux asked quietly, walking over slowly to the couch. Kylo blinked and looked up at him lazily. He lifted one shoulder in a shrug before shifting his legs to make room for Hux to sit down. “Heavy and Armory went for a walk. Sniper’s asleep.” Hux nodded, folding his hands in his lap. The door to the cabin creaked open again and Phasma entered, glancing contemptuously toward Hux and Kylo before setting the two cases of beer beside the fridge and retreating to her and Sniper’s shared bedroom. Kylo sat up slowly, pressing against Hux’s side and reaching up to brush a strand of Hux’s hair behind his ear. “You alright, red?” He asked softly, ducking his head to press a soft kiss to Hux’s neck. Hux tilted his head with a quiet sigh; Kylo nestled his face into the juncture of Hux’s neck and shoulder. “It’s nothing,” Hux murmured, allowing Kylo to carefully mouth at his neck, tongue dragging slowly over his skin. Kylo pulled away slightly, offering the joint to Hux tiredly, a slight smile coming to his face. “No need to worry about whatever it is now,” Kylo breathed; Hux took the joint from him warily and brought it to his lips, feeling Kylo’s mouth against his collarbone, his long hair tickling his skin beneath his chin. Hux exhaled, eyes drooping and shoulders relaxing. He felt Kylo hum softly, the quiet vibrations buzzing into his bones, and he sighed quietly. “Just something Phasma said,” Hux said without thinking, dropping his head forward as Kylo sat up, swinging one leg over Hux’s lap and sitting up, knees sinking into the cushions. “What’d she say?” Kylo mumbled as he kissed at a tender spot of skin beneath Hux’s ear. Hux sighed again, shrugging a shoulder as he tilted his head to accommodate the attention Kylo was giving him; he managed to return the joint to his mouth, taking another drag and feeling his muscles loosen. “Something about leaving,” he said distractedly. He blinked as Kylo pulled back, looking back at him with an eyebrow arched. “She wants to leave?” He asked, taking the joint from him gently and taking a slow pull from it. Hux looked up at him with half lidded eyes, trying to find the right answer. But before he could speak, Kylo shook his head, exhaling off to the side before lifting his hand to place the joint tenderly between Hux’s half parted lips. “I’ll talk to her later,” he said, fingertips trailing gently over Hux’s lower lip before he slid out of Hux’s lap and stood. Hux stared up at him, watching him pull his hair out of the loose knot he’d tied it in and shaking out the soft dark waves. His broad shoulders slackened, his eyelids drooped. He turned back to Hux, then offered a hand down to him, which Hux gratefully took, Kylo pulling him easily to his feet.

“I’ve more important matters to attend to now.”

Hux smiled slightly around the joint before exhaling softly and allowing Kylo to lead him into the bedroom.

Whenever Kylo stripped, Hux always found himself staring. The man’s physique was nothing out of the ordinary, there was just _so much_ of him. His chest and shoulders were impossibly broad, his arms harboring strength enough to hoist Hux up and pin him against the wall as though he weighed nothing- something he did this particular evening before Hux had even finished undressing himself, the collar of his sweater stuck around his head and his pants just barely pushed down around his thighs. Kylo’s teeth attacked Hux’s bare throat as he reached up to pull the sweater off of him, quickly enough so he could wind his arms around his waist and hold him close as Hux tightened his legs around Kylo and hooked his ankles together at the base of his spine. Kylo was nude save for his briefs, which left little to the imagination, especially when laid Hux back on the bed and slotted himself between his legs, grinding his hips upward. Hux’s legs loosened around Kylo’s middle, then fell away completely as Kylo got him out of his pants and underwear, peppering his chest and stomach with biting kisses, each one punctuated with a soft “ _mine_.”

Hux found himself admiring how easily Kylo’s mouth stretched around his cock, how his tongue made him feel like he was floating away. His limbs felt heavy from the dope, and he lazily threaded his fingers into Kylo’s thick hair with a heavy and slow sigh. Kylo hummed around him, sending vibrations up his spine. The heat low in his stomach was a dull ache, and Hux rocked his hips up toward Kylo’s mouth in hopes of hiking up his arousal, but was met by two strong hands gripping his waist and forcing him to stay still. Hux groaned behind gritted teeth, squeezing his knees around Kylo’s head. Kylo made a sound around his cock and he released his hips to grab Hux by the knees and propped up his legs, then pulled away from him with an obscene popping sound. He remained silent and reached up to slip his fingers into Hux’s mouth, sitting up to catch onto his eyes as Hux willingly swallowed around the digits hungrily. A smirk pulled at Kylo’s mouth and he nodded slightly, pressing the pads of his fingers to Hux’s tongue. “So beautiful,” he mumbled; Hux’s eyes closed for a moment, bobbing his head and sliding his tongue between Kylo’s fingers. Kylo’s teeth dug into his plush lower lip for a moment before he withdrew his fingers and captured Hux’s mouth lazily. His wet fingers traveled slowly down his chest and stomach, over his cock and perineum; the tip of his finger prodded briefly at his hole and Hux gasped softly, back arching up off the bed. Kylo shushed him, lips trailing up his jaw. “Relax,” he breathed, biting at his neck softly before soothing each marked spot with his tongue. Hux breathed out a sigh, only to shakily inhale again as Kylo’s finger slid into him slowly.

“ _Ky_ -lo,” he panted. Kylo silenced him again and kissed at his neck, retreating his finger briefly before plunging back into him, deeper this time. Hux opened his eyes, staring up at the ceiling as Kylo crooked his finger and pressed in further. The burn from the stretch strengthened the warmth in his stomach, but only slightly. Kylo dragged his tongue up Hux’s neck, stopping at the shell of his ear to nip gently at the lobe with a low hum. He felt like a live wire, electricity thrumming beneath his skin as his knees trembled. The pressure from Kylo’s finger slowly diminished and was replaced with a stronger stretch- another finger, Hux guessed. Kylo’s mouth dragged down his torso again, pressing his fingers in deeper and grabbing a hold of Hux’s cock with his free hand. One of Hux’s hands found Kylo’s locks once again, gripping tightly, as the other threaded through his own hair, breaths coming out in short puffs as Kylo’s mouth sank lower and his fingers pressed further. His fingertips found something inside him that made his eyes fly open and a loud gasp rip through him, back arching upwards. Kylo pulled away from his dick again after what felt like hours with a heavy sigh, spit dribbling down his chin. “Tell me you’re mine,” he said, eyes dark with lust as he looked up at Hux, pressing a kiss to the inside of his thigh.

“I’m- ah, _ah-_ I’m yours.”

Kylo bit softly at his thigh. “Say it again.”

“I’m yours, _God_ , I’m yours.”

Kylo kissed softly at the head of his cock. “Don’t stop saying it.”

The affirmation poured from Hux’s lips like nonsense, his head falling down to the side into the mattress. He panted quietly as Kylo’s fingers seemed to push even deeper and he swallowed his cock again.

“I’m yours, Kylo, I’m yours.”

It must’ve been another two hours before Hux finally came down Kylo’s throat with a shout, and he fell asleep curled in against Kylo’s warm chest.

Hux later awoke to someone shaking his shoulder. He blinked slowly, expecting it to be Kylo, but Kylo was still asleep, on his side with his back to Hux. Hux looked up and squinted through the darkness, and was able to make out the sharp features of Sniper’s face. “What’s the matter?” Hux whispered, sitting up slowly, nervous that the shift in the thin mattress would wake Kylo. Sniper tossed his head toward the direction of the cabin door. “Get dressed,” he murmured. “I’ve a bone to pick with you.” And he silently made his way out of the room. Hux blinked again, glancing over at Kylo before sliding out of the bed and finding his jeans and sweater. He went to pull on shoes, and spotted the turquoise engraved hunting knife Armory had gifted to him, its unsheathed blade glinting in the moonlight seeping into the bedroom. He hesitated for a moment, then slipped the knife into its holster and fastening around his thigh.

Hux wound his arms tightly around himself as he stepped outside. Sniper was sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of the cabin, his legs crossed and his head tilted slightly as he looked out over the blue tinted landscape. He was wearing one of Kylo’s flannel shirts; as Hux drew nearer, he noticed the slight raise of goosebumps over his thin arms. Before Hux managed to ask what Sniper had wanted to talk about, Sniper had cut him off.

“You and Kylo are pretty close now, huh?”

Hux tilted his head slightly, walking up to the chair and leaning against the wall of the cabin behind it. “What do you mean by that?”

Sniper let out a dry laugh. “You know, I was just like you when Kylo found me. All… wide-eyed and looking for change. Kylo gave that to me. Helped me realize who I am.”

Hux swallowed thickly.

“And then when I thought I was perfect for Kylo, finally _perfect_ , he found little old you.”

Sniper had stood up by this point, and had turned to face Hux, something harsh and cold in his sharp face. “What’s your endgame here, _Brendan_?” He spat the name out venomously. It sounded foreign in Hux’s ears, having been called nicknames for nearly three months now. “You think you can replace me?”

“Replace?” Hux asked, genuinely confused. “What-”

“You can play stupid and naive with Kylo all day long but I’m not buying it for a second.”

“Sniper, I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, _please_ ,” Sniper hissed with a roll of his eyes. “He’s fucking you, right? Or have you somehow miraculously forgotten that, too?”

Hux blushed.

“You know, he started out fucking _me_ ,” Sniper continued. “Oh, he was giving it out day and night and I was taking it whenever I could get my hands on it. He’s better than liquor and dope, he’s better than acid, he makes you feel like you’re _special_. Stop me if I’m wrong.”

Hux said nothing.

“And I thought I was doing everything right!” Sniper said exasperatedly, taking a step closer to Hux. “And then _you_ show up.”

“What are you trying to say?” Hux finally asked, trying to stand up as straight as possible.

“I’m _saying_ you’re just a new toy,” Sniper said. “When he got bored with the old one-” He gestured to himself as he said this. “He found himself something different to play with.”

“And you’re mad at me because of that?” Hux said, confused. “Shouldn’t you be upset with him?”

“Oh, I could never be mad at Kylo. He’s my light in the darkness. I just want you to know that he’ll get bored of you, too.”

Hux pursed his lips, folding his arms. “That’s a little presumptuous, don’t you think?”

Sniper rolled his eyes. “I forgot you’re a schoolchild,” he muttered, then raked a hand through his hair. “Whatever. Maybe he won’t tire of you. Maybe you’ll be with him forever. But just know that you will _never_ , and I mean _never_ , have what me and him had.”

Something tightened in Hux’s chest.

“See, me and Kylo were something special. Angels among demons. You? You’re just a confused little boy who thought that he wanted to try something new. Me and Kylo were real as real can be. You’re a cookie cutter. A nobody.”

At his sides, Hux’s fingers twitched.

“But go on and have all the fun you want with him. Just know that it doesn’t mean a damn thing.”

Sniper brushed past Hux to head back into the cabin. “How does it feel, red?” He asked, pausing with his hand on the door. Hux blinked, looking over at him. His face felt hot. “How does what feel?”

“When Kylo is inside you?” A sly smirk came across Sniper’s features when Hux blushed. “Are you serious? You  think he really cares about you, and you haven’t even had a real Force bond with him? You’re just a blushing virgin with no real connection to him at all, huh? Maybe I’ve got nothing to worry about at-”

Something snapped in Hux as Sniper continued. He lunged forward, grabbing Sniper by the shoulders and forcing him off the porch, throwing him carelessly to the sandy ground. He straddled his hips, wrapping his hands around the boy’s thin neck. “You don’t know a _goddamned thing_ , you little whore,” Hux hissed. Sniper’s face reddened with the growing lack of oxygen, he feebly reached up and gripped Hux’s wrists, trying to break free. “I am _nothing like you_ . Kylo thinks I’m different because I _am different_. You think you scare me? You’ve got another thing coming.”

Sniper’s hands fell away from Hux’s wrists and he sputtered, trying to catch his breath. Hux remembered the knife on his thigh. He blinked, not even thinking, and pulled one hand away from Sniper’s neck to pull the  blade from its sheath. Sniper’s eyes went wide, the blade glinting silver in the moonlight.

And then Hux was bringing the knife down into Sniper’s chest. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight times. With each plunge of the blade Sniper’s cries of pain grew quieter and quieter until they were nonexistent. Hot blood spattered over Hux’s hands and his face, and even when Sniper had stopped fighting him, his hands couldn’t seem to still- the knife slid so easily into his neck, across his face. Finally, Hux sat back on his knees, dropping the blade onto the sandy ground. The flannel Sniper had been wearing was just as mutilated as Sniper himself, the front torn to shreds and stained crimson. Hux looked at his bloodstained hands for a moment before examining Sniper’s face. He had carved almost an identical gash to the one scarred into Kylo’s face across Sniper’s. _Not so pretty now_ , Hux thought. He ran his hands through his hair, forgetting for a moment that they were sticky with blood, and he got to his feet with a heavy sigh.

“What did you do?”

Hux whirled around, the sound of the voice causing his breath to catch in his throat. On the porch of the cabin was Kylo, dressed in what he’d fallen asleep in, which wasn’t much. For a split second, Hux forgot what he had asked and wondered if he was cold.

“Red, what did you do?” Kylo repeated. He had stepped off the porch, walking across the cold hard ground toward Hux. Hux stammered, glancing down at the body at his feet. He stumbled back, breath caught in his throat as he fell against Kylo, running a hand through his hair again, the blood threaded through it hardening and crunching beneath his fingers. “I-I… I don’t-”

“You killed him, didn’t you?”

“Kylo, I’m-”

Kylo placed his hands on Hux’s shoulders, looking down at Sniper’s bleeding form. His left foot twitched feebly, blood bubbled in the gash in his neck. Kylo hissed softly, arms looping loosely around Hux and pulling him close. “That looks bad,” he whispered against Hux’s ear. Hux’s stomach flipped and he attempted to turn his head away; Kylo hummed and reached up to take Hux’s chin between two fingers, forcing him to look back at Sniper. “Oh, no, Alice,” he mumbled as Hux’s breathing stuttered in his throat, his hands trembling. “You can't leave Wonderland just yet. _You_ wanted this, didn't you?”

“I don't know, I- I didn't mean-”

“You wanted him gone, right? And you knew he wouldn't leave willingly, so you did the next best thing.”

Hux whimpered, eyes watering as he tried to pull himself from Kylo’s arms. Kylo tightened his grip, arms crushing in around Hux's chest. “Kylo, I… I’m going to be sick-”

Kylo shushed Hux softly, releasing his chin to pet his hair down softly, pressing a light kiss to the back of his neck. “It's all over now, honey,” he mumbled before turning Hux around, his hands firm on his shoulders again. A smile creeped across his features as he lifted his hands to place them gently on Hux’s face. “It's just you and me now. I’m all yours.”

Hux stared up at him with wide, wet eyes. He sniffed. “Mine?”

Kylo nodded. “And you're mine.”

“You mean it?”

“Forever and always.”

Kylo ducked his head and kissed Hux sweetly, wrapping his arms tightly around him and pulling him close. Hux was tense, but only for a moment, before melting against Kylo and lifting his hands to tangle them into Kylo’s hair.

The blood in his hair and on his skin flaked off, leaving behind dark red splotches of color against his freckled flesh.

Hux had never felt safer.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay!
> 
> Songs for this chapter: I Ain't Marching Anymore - Phil Ochs, All Along the Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix

**PART 3**

**FOUND**

Early morning. Light trickles in from between the blinds. Air smells like… cheap shampoo. Dry blood. Red.  _ Red _ . Red is asleep. The sun catches in his hair and it looks like spun gold. Kylo wants to run his fingers through it, listen to the soft appreciative noises he makes when he does that. 

(He was scared last night,  _ oh _ , was he scared. After he’d calmed him down and sent him inside Kylo had to linger back and deal with Sniper. His body felt like a ton of bricks without life in it, muscles stiff and skin cold, pale. He’d dragged it through the sand in the dark, hands soaked with his blood. He dug through the loose sand with those bare bloodied hands, rocks lodging beneath his nails and scratching at his palms. Once he’d dug a deep enough grave, his bones were heavy and tired, and he couldn’t force himself to treat the body with any care, so he simply nudged it into the grave with one bare foot. Something cracked as it tumbled into the hole; Kylo rolled his shoulders back and began to toss dirt over it with no expression on his face and no feeling in his stomach.)

(Red. He had been asleep when Kylo returned, hair damp from a shower, face contorted uncomfortably even in sleep. Kylo had knelt down at the bedside, ran one bloodied finger gently over his cheek. He found a piece of discarded clothing and brushed away what had been left behind on his pale skin before smoothing back his hair and retreating to the bathroom to wash his hands. He sneezed into the crook of his elbow and caught sight of his reflection in the dirty mirror. He pressed his fingertips to his face, tugging the skin of his cheek downward and watching the exposed white of his eye. He pulled his hand back and tilted his head briefly before spitting at the mirror and shutting the light off.)

Kylo carefully slips out of bed, not wanting to wake Red and grabs his pack of cigarettes and lighter from the bedside table. He dresses without much care- a pair of torn jeans, a flannel, a pair of wool socks, then walks softly through the living room, where Heavy and Armory sleep back to back on the couch. Through the porch windows he can see the sky is pink with dawn slipping through the clouds. His fingers twitch idly at his sides before turning into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. He sees a pack of cigarettes on the counter and pulls one from it, sticking it behind his ear. As he watches the steady  _ dripdripdrip  _ of the coffee pot, he thinks briefly on his last conversation with Sniper. He thinks of the way he'd tried to touch him, to grab his hair; the way Kylo had thrown him off and yelled at him. He must've died thinking Kylo despised him.

_ just another rat eaten by the electric snake _

Kylo itches at his ear and swallows hard. The coffee pot stops dripping. 

Kylo pours himself a cup, picks up a lighter from the coffee table and slips it in his pocket, then goes to sit outside. The air is cool and dry, steam from the cup fogging his vision. Looking out over the desert he thinks of Sniper’s grave, thinks of all the other places in the desert where others so unfortunate could be hidden, could already be hidden by someone else. He thinks of the blood on his hands, the blood splattered across Red’s face last night. 

_ hot hot red all over you just want to drown the world in it _

Kylo’s hands shake and he bats the side of his head briefly. That voice, that stupid voice, that  _ stupid fucking voice _ …

He leaves his coffee on the porch and steps off the porch, walking out into the huge stretch of cold desert valley in front of him. He pulls the cigarette from behind his ear and sticks it between his lips, walking with slow, deliberate steps. The lighter comes to life, licks the end of the cigarette, catches on the edge of his thumb. He hisses as he pulls in a deep breath then pockets the cigarette again. Smoke fills expanding lungs, stills trembling fingers as the soles of his feet crunch over the pebbles in the sand. He rolls a foot over a smooth rock, tipping his head back as he releases a slow breath.

_ breathe too much and the world will choke you boy _

“Shut up.”

_ i am you and you are me i am everyone and everyone is me _

“Shut up!”

_ put that cigarette out on your skin and feel something again _

Kylo takes one long drag before throwing the cigarette blindly out into the sand, shoulders drawn up tight by his ears, smoke slipping out from the spaces between crooked teeth. He takes a few more steps before pausing, staring up at the wispy clouds across the gray sky.

_ phasma wants to leave _

That’s right. Red had said that. Why would Phasma want to leave? Phasma had been through everything with Kylo. The death of his father, the disownment, meeting Snoke, everything. And now Snoke was louder than ever and  _ for fuck’s sake he wasn’t even high _ and Phasma was deadly silent.

_ her body wants to join her spirit  _

Kylo runs his hands through his hair, inhaling sharply through his teeth and shaking his head. No, no, no, she wasn’t going to leave. She’s just confused. She needs a smoke, a good trip, maybe a drink, she’ll come to her senses.

_ she wants to see me _

Kylo drops to his knees, still shaking his head, fingers tangling into his hair. “She hates you.”

_ no you hate me _

“I want you to leave me alone!”

_ let her come see me _

Kylo hunches over, digging his fingers into the gravelly sand, arms trembling and sharp pebbles scraping his palms. 

_ i am the water she is the stone _

“You’re wrong,” Kylo said, looking back up toward the sky. “You’re wrong.  _ You _ are the stone.”

_ so shape me _

An anguished yell rips through his chest as he tangles his fingers through his hair, gripping tightly and pulling hard. His eyes screw shut as tears form at the corners before inhaling sharply and opening them.

_ Ben _ .

“No.”

_ Ben. _

“No!” Kylo looks away from the figure that’s formed in front of him, staring at the ground.

_ Ben, look at me. _

“I won’t!”

_ Ben, please. _

He blinks a handful of times, eyes wet, and looks up.

His mother smiles sadly at him and extends a hand toward him.  _ Come home, love. _

All of a sudden, Ben feels so small. He steps toward his mother, reaching for her hand. She takes it gently, but her touch is cold. Ben sniffles and squeezes hard. “I can’t, Mother, I can’t…”

_ What’s stopping you? _

“Snoke, he… he isn’t done with me, if I stop listening to him, he’ll- he’ll…”

_ Snoke can’t hurt you, love. _

“You don’t know that-”

_ He can’t hurt you, I won’t let him. _

“You don’t understand!” And he throws down her hand and watches as his mother’s body fade out of view and be replaced with another one. A taller, more ominous one- a tired old man riddled with scars and draped in a dark cloak. 

_ kylo _

“Stay away from me.”

_ you know that i cannot leave yet _

“Just stay away!”

_ You’re nothing without me _

And Kylo falls to his knees with a shout, shaking his head furiously as his breathing becomes labored and ragged. Snoke is still looming over him, even as he rubs at his eyes and shakes his head in attempts to rid his sight of the vision.

_ just you try and get rid of me _

Kylo looks up at the figure, cheeks tearstained and eyes red. Mind whirling with thought after thought, voices loud and banging against his eardruns. Swallowing thickly he managed to get to his feet again, legs trembling before turning to storm towards the cabin again. The lingering cold of Snoke’s presence stays at his heels the whole way in. He marches through the living room and into his bedroom. As he steps over the threshold he slows and quiets, noticing Red’s sleeping form in the bed. He tiptoes toward the side table and fishes through the drawer, retrieving his sheet of blotter paper before quickly stepping from the room, casting a passing glance at the freckled spread of Red’s back as he leaves.

The living room is still quiet and empty as Kylo sits down on the couch. As he tears a corner of the paper and slips it beneath his tongue. He looks up, teeth clenched, at Snoke’s figure standing before him. His words are all blurring together into unintelligible nonsense and Kylo shakes his head, closing his eyes and breathing deeply through his nose. As the first tab disappears after about fifteen minutes, a second one takes its place beneath his tongue. Kylo leans back against the couch, allowing Snoke’s words to fill his thoughts and numb him. As time passed the voices grew duller, quieter, until they were nonexistent. Kylo opens his eyes once the voices are gone, the walls of the room brightly colored and the world feeling like static. He slowly gets to his feet and takes careful steps through the room. He looks down at his hands, taking a sharp breath as he watches his skin begin to bubble and smoke and spit. He shakes his head, skull feeling heavy as his hands fly up to touch his scar. Running fingers over the smooth scar tissue, feeling the difference between that and the rough flesh of his cheeks. He tugs down on the skin, feels his eyes roll back into his vibrating head. 

_ you know what you must do _

Kylo shakes his head and stumbles out of the cabin, shaking his head. The ground is ice cold, burns the soles of his feet through his socks. The sun behind the clouds seems to still be harsh against his eyes and he shields them as he murmurs remarks against Snoke’s voice. Shaking head, shaking fingers, Kylo’s eyes find the van. Kylo swallows hard as he makes his way over, tearing open the back doors of the vehicle. A few bags, an empty case of beer, a case of shells, one of Armory’s guns- a Magnum- a crowbar. Kylo swallows hard and shakes his head as he clambers into the back, picking up the gun and spinning the chamber to find that there were four bullets loaded in the weapon. A hard swallow as Kylo tucks the chamber back into place and lifts the gun towards his own temple-

_ don’t you dare _

“This is the only way to stop you.”

_ you die and i just find someone new _

“If I die then you go down with me, you bastard.”

_ you aren’t thinking straight _

“I’ve never seen more clearly.”

_ what about phasma _

Kylo’s fingers shake, lowering the gun just slightly. The world outside the van’s open doors shakes and sharpens. “What about her?”

_ when her soul left i saw her _

“What does that matter?”

_ you die i go to her _

“She would never accept you.”

_ you die and she leaves _

Hesitation. “She… she wouldn’t-”

_ you know she would _

“In my time of my need, she… she wouldn’t leave, she’s been next to me for as long as I can remember…” 

_ she hates you and you know it _

Kylo’s chest tightened as he lowered the gun, dropping it against his thigh. “She… she can’t leave-”

The edges of the world fold up and prickle.

_ don’t let her _

“What can I  _ do _ ?”

_ you know _

Kylo swallows hard and shakes his head as he tucks the pistol into the back of his jeans, draping his flannel shirt over it then turning to the crowbar, winding fingers around the cold metal and crawling out of the van. He kicks the doors shut and stares at the van, feeling Snoke’s fingers caress his shoulders soothingly. He steps forward and places a foot on the rear bumper and wedging the bar behind the license plate, finagling it off with some difficulty due to the shaking hands. The plate eventually comes free and clatters into the cold dirt, along with the bar as it falls from Kylo’s fingers.

And the edges of the world up and fall away.

Kylo feels steadier on his feet and heads back toward the cabin, hands balled into fists and steps confident. He makes his way into the cabin, and the living room is now completely colorless. Kylo glances around briefly, his limbs suddenly moving faster than before. He walks slowly through the cabin and glances through the open doors of each room- the empty bathroom, Red’s fiery hair in the bedroom, still asleep. The second bedroom door is slightly open- Kylo pushed it open carefully, the creaking of the hinges sounding industrial in size in his ears. On the bed was Heavy and Armory, sleeping soundly; in the arm chair was Phasma, smoking a cigarette with the ashtray balanced on her knee. She looks up at the sound of the door, meeting Kylo’s eyes. She looks him over briefly and stands, setting the ashtray on the bedside table. “Kylo?” She whispers, quickly meeting him at the doorway and stepping out of the room, shutting the door behind her. “Are you okay? You’re sweating bullets-”

“Ha. Bullets. That’s funny.”

Phasma raises an eyebrow at him. “What are you talking about?”

Kylo lifts his hands and places them on Phasma’s shoulders. “Come take a walk with me.”

“What time is it-”

“Time is only a social construct. Take a walk with me.” And he doesn’t wait for her response to grab her arm and pull her through the cabin and out the front doors. They get outside and Phasma winds her arms around herself. Her hair is floating. Kylo swallows. “Jesus, it’s freezing out here,” she mutters, shaking her head. Kylo turns his gaze to watch her walk beside him- her feet aren’t touching the ground, toes just brushing the sand with every step. Kylo reaches and quickly attempts to puller down, pushing down on her shoulder. She winces and attempts to shake away his hand. “The hell, Kylo? That hurts-” She pushes him back and Kylo quickly attempts to balance himself to make sure he doesn’t fall over the edge of the world. Phasma stops walking. “Listen, I… I’m actually glad you pulled me out here, because I need to talk to you about something.”

_ she’s going to tell you how she despises you and is leaving you for dead _

Kylo swallows thickly. 

Phasma opens her mouth to continue speaking but Kylo can’t make out her words- all that comes from her lips is static and her teeth are falling out of her head and growing back in at a breakneck pace. Kylo shakes his head, closing his eyes tightly. Phasma’s voice fades in and out of his ears and Kylo blinks. The cool of the gun is icy against his back and he shivers. 

“Are you tripping, Kylo?”

Kylo blinks. Phasma is back to normal in his vision, but the world around her has gone black. Kylo shakes his head and rubs at his eye with the heel of his hand. Phasma steps closer and squints before scoffing and shaking her head. “You are. I can see it in your eyes. I can’t believe this-”

“I can’t let Snoke win.”

“Oh my fucking God, Ben.”

Kylo flinches.

“This is exactly why I want to leave. There is no  _ goddamn _ Snoke, Ben! You’re losing your mind- you need to  _ go home _ .”

“There is no home!” Kylo snaps, reaching out and grappling Phasma around the neck. Her voice abruptly stops as she coughs and sputters, shaking her head. “There is no home,” Kylo repeats, quieter this time. “Not anymore.” He watches as tears collect at the corners of Phasma’s eyes and releases her. She stumbles backwards toward the darkness, coughing and touching her throat gingerly. Kylo shakes his head and turns, walking towards the darkness himself. “I can’t let him win, Phasma.”

“Would you stop calling me that?” She asks, voice hoarse.

Kylo inhales sharply through his nose and shudders before a soft laugh manages its way out of his stomach. “Gwen?” And he turns, and Phasma’s eyes are hopeful. Kylo reaches behind his back.

“This is for your own good.”

“What?”

“I’m letting the flowers grow.”

And the darkness suddenly fills with light.

**

Hux startled awake at the sound of something loud and echoing in the distance. “Kylo?” He called, before wrapping his arms around himself quickly as the chill of the air in the cabin hit his bare skin. He climbed out of bed, finding his clothes scattered across the floor. As he pulled them on he had to stop himself from gagging- dry blood was still caked on the sleeves of his shirt from the previous night. He took a deep breath to attempt to calm himself, then grabbed his knife from the bedside table and tucked it into the waistband of his jeans before quickly heading out of the cabin after finding Kylo missing.

“Kylo?” Hux called, looking around the expanse of desert before him. He looked over at the van, which was still parked in the same spot, then in the opposite direction, where he spotted a figure in the distance, kneeling on the ground. Hux squinted, recognizing the shock of black hair as Kylo and sighed with some semblance of relief. He headed toward him, but as he grew closer he saw that Kylo was kneeling over something in the sand. Closer and closer, he saw that it was-

And he broke into a run.

“Kylo!”

Kylo looked up and met Hux’s eyes. In one hand he was holding a pistol. In the other, he was holding Gwen by the hair. The tip of the pistol was jammed in against Gwen’s right eye, and she was holding her stomach which was bleeding through her dress. “Brendan, please-”

“Don’t you talk to him!” Kylo screamed, yanking her hair again and pressing harder. She screamed and whimpered, attempting to shake her head without succeeding. 

“What the hell are you doing, Kylo?” Hux asked, holding his hands up nervously. 

“She wants to leave, red!” Kylo growled; Hux flinched at the sound. He pulled Gwen closer by the hair and bared his teeth. “She wanted to  _ leave me _ , all alone, in my hour of need-”

“What do you mean need?” 

Kylo laughed harshly, twisting the gun. Gwen yelped as more tears fell down her face, her fingers twisting tighter in the fabric of her dress over her wound. 

“Kylo,” Hux attempted to say evenly, though his voice still trembled slightly. He took a step closer. “Just… put the gun down. I’ll call an ambulance-”

“She doesn’t need an  _ ambulance _ , she needs  _ enlightenment- _ ”

“Kylo-”

“She needs to  _ stay _ -!”

Hux reached out to grab Kylo by the elbow, attempting to yank away the gun, and then his ears began to ring sharply. Gwen fell limp in Kylo’s grasp before he dropped her completely. Hux winced and rubbed at his ear, then looked down at Gwen on the ground.

“Do you see, red?” Hux heard Kylo’s voice, but his vision was beginning to blur as he fell down to Gwen’s side. “What… what did you do…” He mumbled, cupping Gwen’s face as blood from the shot to her eye dripped down his hands.

“Do you see the flowers?”

Hux pulled Gwen’s head into his lap, pushing his fingers through her hair, streaking it with red. “She’s… she’s dead-”

“They were in her all along, red. The roses…”

Tears dripped down Hux’s face, shaking his head as he carefully touched the wound in her stomach. The undamaged eye was blank and stared up toward the gray sky. Hux shook his head slowly and looked toward the gun in the sand and reached over to pick up the gun. “You killed her,” Hux said, looking up at Kylo with wide, terrified eyes. 

Kylo laughed bitterly again, but his eyes were fixated on Gwen’s body. “I believe you’re the one who yanked on me-”

“You pulled the trigger, you were holding the gun-”

“If you hadn’t interfered-”

“You’re a monster!” Hux shouted, getting to his feet and pulling Gwen’s body up with him. She was heavy against him, and it took most of Hux’s strength to hold her up as he gathered her against him. “You… you’re a monster…”

“Please,” Kylo hissed, stepping forward and grabbing Gwen by the hair again and carelessly throwing her body to the ground. “You killed before I did. It hasn’t even been forty eight hours and you’ve already forgotten Sniper?”

Hux shuddered and took half a step backward, tightening his grip on the gun. He shook his head and ran a bloody hand through his hair. “Oh my God,” he mumbled, then laughed morosely. “You… you kidnapped me.”

“Oh please,” Kylo countered.

“You kidnapped me from my home, you… you beat the shit out of Rogue for no reason, you didn’t even care when Stanley fucking… killed himself…”

“Where are you trying to go with this?”

“You didn’t care when Sniper died. You were  _ proud of me _ .”

“Put the gun down, Red.”

Hux looked down at the weapon in his hand and hesitated briefly, then lifted the gun and pointed it at Kylo. “You lying, monstrous, piece of garbage…”

Kylo laughed again and stepped towards Hux. “You want to kill me? Go ahead. I thought you were different.”

“And I thought you loved me!”

Hux went to pull the trigger but was intercepted as Kylo suddenly stepped forward and gripped his wrist, aiming the gun downward as Hux pulled the trigger. The bullet exploded out and into Hux’s foot, causing him to yell out in agony as he collapsed forward, Kylo ripping the gun from his hands. “You were nothing when I found you!” Kylo shouted. Hux winced as he reached for the knife in his jeans. “You were becoming just another cog in the machine! I made you-  _ fuck! _ ” Kylo fell to one knee as Hux pulled the knife out of his calf. The gun fell between them and Hux managed to grab it and scoot quickly backward away from Kylo and towards Gwen’s body. Without thinking he pulled the trigger, a bullet firing into Kylo’s thigh. Kylo cried and pressed a hand into his wound immediately, while still trying to get to his feet. “You’re insane,” Hux said, shaking his head.

“Am I? Or am I the only sane one here?”

And then they both heard it:

The sirens.

Kylo cursed under his breath and started to limp toward the cabin then stopped in his tracks and shook his head. “Shit, the fucking van is gone-”

“What?” Hux whispered under his breath, reaching down and wrapping a hand around his injured foot and attempting to apply pressure. He heard Kylo growl and then he took off as fast as he could manage out into the desert. Hux turned and watched him leave, aiming the gun in his direction and firing blindly before falling over Gwen’s body. The red and blue colors of the police car’s lights appeared in the corners of his eyes and the sirens grew louder.

“ _ Put the weapon down! _ ”

Hux sat up, looking down at his hands- drenched in blood, holding a gun. Up his side was dark, dark red from sitting over Gwen. He blinked and attempted to get to his feet, ending up falling backwards and scrambling backwards away from the body. “No, no, no-”

“ _ Freeze _ !”


End file.
